I don’t even know how I’m supposed to start writing anything, but I need to write something. I need to say something about my friend before I can say anything about myself, but I still don’t know what to say. I’m angry with the world and I want to do something to help her, but I don’t know what to do. When I told her that I don’t even know what to say, she pointed out that I know there’s nothing to say, but I’m still lost. I want to fix things for her and protect her and defend her, but I either can’t or don’t know how.
I’ve had several people ask me if what happened to her and her son scare me, but I’m not any more scared than I was two weeks ago. I’ve already been as scared as can be. Anyway, this isn’t about me. My only feelings about it are sadness for her and her husband and anger at life for being so cruelly unfair.
When I told her that I would do anything I could to help her, she told me the only thing she wants me to do is try to relax and let our little guy know he’s loved. That’s the kind of person she is. She’s amazing. I told Dave that this would be so much easier to handle if she sucked. Hell, it would probably be easier if she was just okay. Well, maybe not, because this kind of thing shouldn’t happen to anyone – after Jillian died, I meant it when I said I wouldn’t wish such a tragedy on my worst enemy – but watching something like this happen to someone who is so selfless, caring, wonderful, loving, and every other positive adjective that exists is the meaning of unfair.
I feel guilty changing gears and talking about my own pregnancy. I’ll just try to sum it up. I was feeling a lot of pressure on my cervix on Friday, so we went to the doctor. I knew I was probably fine, but I also I knew I’d never be able to live with myself if anything happened, so I called and they had me come in. My cervix was closed, long, and firm, so that’s good. I was walking home from seeing my grief counselor when the pressure started, so I was told that even though my activities haven’t been restricted, no more almost-two mile walks home. It’s a huge adjustment for me because I normally walk everywhere, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. I’m not complaining. I’m just not used to it.