A very overdue update


April 17th, 2011

I don’t know where the time goes. Actually, I know exactly where it goes. I don’t know what happened to my last post. I noticed it had been cut off when I looked at it later, but I had Ian in my arms, and every time I remembered to fix it, it wasn’t a good time for me to fix it, and then I’d forget until another inconvenient time. I wrote that I do worry that doing so well means I’m forgetting her, but I went on to write that I know in my heart it’s not the case. I still think about it. Sixteen months ago, actually, even twelve months ago, I wasn’t sure I could ever be even remotely happy again. To be this happy? I didn’t think there was even the tiniest bit of a chance, partially because I’ve never been this happy. I didn’t know this type of happiness existed.

And speaking of that happiness, the little guy who creates it is fantastic. He’s over ten pounds now, his hair is still out of control, and every time I think I couldn’t love him more, I love him more. His personality shows more and more every day, and I love it. He’s a bit of a bear when he wakes up (grizzly, not teddy), he thinks his parents are hilarious (we’ll see how long that lasts), and eating seems to be his #1 hobby (that trait is from me). He’s also a big fan of cuddling, and I am taking advantage of as many seconds of that as I can.

He started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago and then decided recently that it’s just not the cool thing to do. I’m not going to mention whether he did it last night because I wouldn’t want to jinx anything if he had, but it would be awesome if he did and kept doing it. Ahem.

Watching him take in the world around him makes a lump in my throat at least daily. There have been times when I’ve been feeding him with tears running down my face – tears of happiness because my love for him is so overwhelming. Sometimes it scares me to realize how much I love him because I’m so afraid of losing him (I don’t know if I’ve written this here, but in my mind, the worst thing that would never happen to me did, so why wouldn’t it happen again), but I know I can’t live my life like that.

And with that, he’s awake. I hope everyone reading this is doing well. I’ll check in soon.