Exhale

We made it through yesterday. It actually ended up being a very nice day for us. We didn’t really do anything all day other than spend the day together. It helped to know how many people were thinking of our family. Actually, that’s probably what got us through the day. Thank you, anyone who is reading this, for that.

In other news, I had the ultrasound on my uterus this morning. I felt sick to my stomach on our way there. Sitting in that waiting room wasn’t much fun. The anticipation in so many couples’ eyes was clear. We were like that not too long ago, and I miss that hopefulness.

When we went into our room, I recognized the technician from one of our ultrasounds with Jilly. I’m certain that she didn’t remember us, but I wouldn’t expect her to, especially because everything was so normal and routine at those ultrasounds.  She asked if I’d had a test or anything that showed there may be an abnormality. I felt like it took me an eternity to answer, and eventually I was able to tell her that our daughter was born at 24 weeks. I held back my tears until she left while I got undressed. I cried because I hadn’t prepared myself for having to answer any of those questions and I missed Jillian so much. I missed her so much at that moment that I forgot about being nervous about the ultrasound. It didn’t matter if we got good news or bad news – I just wanted Jillian.

Here’s the good news: according to the doctor, my uterus looks great. There’s no dip, no septum, and everything looks really good. I burst into tears as soon as he said it, so he was probably wondering what was up with the crazy woman who cried upon hearing something good, but that’s fine.  There is no bad news.

So I guess now we just wait. I’ve been fantasizing about the perinatologist calling and saying, “it looks good, so go ahead and start trying whenever you’re ready,” but I’m 99.98% sure that’s not going to happen.

As for now, I think I’m going to resume working on the sweater I had started knitting for Jillian to wear home from the hospital. I haven’t been able to even look at the yarn since we came home from the hospital without her. I’m hoping that someday, I will be able to show it to another daughter and tell her the story about how she got to wear her big sister’s sweater home from the hospital. After this morning’s results, I’m more comfortable with letting myself believe that this could actually happen.

8 thoughts on “Exhale

  1. Great news about the ultrasound. I remember the mixed emotions I would feel after getting positive test results back. On one hand, we were so relieved that nothing seemed wrong, which gave us hope of having a baby. On the other hand, we wondered why I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy to that point.

  2. I have been reading your blog for quite some time and think of you often. I looked for a way to contact you in pravate but could not find one. Just wanted to let you know that I will be participating in the March of Dimes March for Babies and have chosed to walk in memory of Jillian and Nolan (Ashley’s son from rubybaby09.blogspot.com). I will try to get a picture at the walk and send it to you if you’d like! My email is bree.price@hotmail.com if you’d like to get in touch.

  3. Bree, thank you so much. I would love to see a picture. I’ll send you an email in one second (and thank you for reminding me that I need to put a contact button on here).

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