Four Months

Dear Jillian,

Happy four months, baby girl. I feel like I say this every fifth of the month, but I can’t believe it’s been another month already.

I had a dream about you last night. I don’t remember much about it other than holding you in my arms and staring into your big brown eyes. We never got to see your eyes open, but I’m sure they looked like mine. It was such a peaceful dream. You were big and healthy, and there were no tubes, wires, or beeping machines. It was just us, happily gazing at each other. I woke up from the dream very suddenly and realized I was cradling our bunched up comforter in my arms. I tried to fall back asleep so I could hopefully see you again, but instead I lay there, wide awake, for almost four hours.

I was telling Daddy yesterday how that in spite of losing you, I feel happier now than I have in years. We were trying to figure out why that is. Daddy mentioned that it could be from all the love and support we’ve received, and while he’s right about that, there’s so much more to it. I go through each day fighting for you. I feel like because your life was so short, I owe it to you to live the best, happiest life I possibly can. All I want is to make you proud. You, Jilly bear, are getting me through this. I won’t lie – the Zoloft helps, but most of the credit goes to you. You are my strength.

We love you and miss you so much, Jilly. I hope I see you in my dreams again soon.

Love,
Mommy

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