Never alone

We spent this weekend in California visiting my dad and stepmom. I was a little nervous about the trip because seeing people for the first time after Jillian died isn’t easy. I was also nervous about being away from home for the first time. We had a great visit, so now I feel more confident about going away more.

One of the highlights of my trip was seeing my friend S. Technically, this was the first time we’ve actually met, but we already knew each other. She lost her precious daughter K in August. She has been an incredible support to me – more than I can really describe. Whenever I had really bad days after Jillian died and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or even breathing, I would think of her and the incredible strength she has shown since her sweet girl passed away. She has been such an inspiration to me and her friendship has brought so much happiness into my life. I think of her like a big sister and I feel like she understands me in a way that very few people (thankfully) can.

Meeting her was just as fabulous as I knew it would be. I think I probably horrified her (and Dave) with all of my uh, retail therapy, but being with her was like being with an old friend. We talked about our beautiful babies, the awful tragedy that we both suffered, and daydreamed about our little angels being together. I’m sure they’re the best of friends. Saying goodbye sucked, but like Dave kept telling me, we will make a plan to get together again soon.

The low point of the trip happened last night when I drank way too much wine.  I’ve been a little tipsy a couple of times since Jillian died, but this was the first time I’ve actually been drunk.  That was a huge mistake.  At one point, I said to my dad that I just want a baby.  Then I corrected myself and said, “I just want Jillian.”  That was it for me.  The sadness I suddenly felt made it feel like it was December 10, and the thought of living the rest of my life without Jillian was once again unbearable.  Next thing I knew, I was on the floor of the patio, in Dave’s arms, wailing in a way that I think only parents who have lost their children can do.  Needless to say, I won’t be drinking more than one or two drinks at at time again any time soon.  I’ve been avoiding getting drunk because I was afraid it would stir up too many emotions, and it certainly did.

We’re on our way home now.  As much as I’ve enjoyed seeing everyone and the beautiful weather, I’m ready to be home with my animals.  Before we left, I was worried that it would feel like I was leaving Jillian behind.  I know now that it wasn’t the case.  She was with me the whole time.  It’s very fitting that S gave me a small heart-shaped token with an angel on the front.  On the back, it reads “you are never alone.”

7 thoughts on “Never alone

  1. Sweets, it would take a LOT more to horrify me with your retail therapy. Trust me. I love you more than you will ever know. You’re allowed your meltdowns. Hell- you lost your daughter. That means you can do pretty much anything you want in my book. Come back. California misses you.

  2. xoxo Meeting internet people IRL is nice. Esp. when you like them. lol Even though you met for the first time, there is a connection and it does feel like you just spoke on the phone or something. It’s comforting. Big hugs, darling.

  3. I’m so glad you guys had a great time together. And Susan’s right – you’re allowed your meltdowns. That’s what makes you human. ::hugs::

  4. Honey, ITA. When I was having lunch with Linda last week, I was jealous that you all get to meet-up soon! One day, I will be there too!!! 😀 xoxo

  5. I happened upon your blog while reading a friends blog. I sat down and went through all of your enteries and I wanted to say how sorry I am that you and Dave lost your sweet Jillian. I have never lost a child, I have only witnessed that loss through a good friend of mine a few years back and it broke my heart, even at that level.

    I’m kinda at a loss for words, but I wanted to say hello and let you know that I’m here and I’m reading and at times, I’m crying with you.

    ~ Marilyn

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