We spent this weekend in California visiting my dad and stepmom. I was a little nervous about the trip because seeing people for the first time after Jillian died isn’t easy. I was also nervous about being away from home for the first time. We had a great visit, so now I feel more confident about going away more.
One of the highlights of my trip was seeing my friend S. Technically, this was the first time we’ve actually met, but we already knew each other. She lost her precious daughter K in August. She has been an incredible support to me – more than I can really describe. Whenever I had really bad days after Jillian died and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or even breathing, I would think of her and the incredible strength she has shown since her sweet girl passed away. She has been such an inspiration to me and her friendship has brought so much happiness into my life. I think of her like a big sister and I feel like she understands me in a way that very few people (thankfully) can.
Meeting her was just as fabulous as I knew it would be. I think I probably horrified her (and Dave) with all of my uh, retail therapy, but being with her was like being with an old friend. We talked about our beautiful babies, the awful tragedy that we both suffered, and daydreamed about our little angels being together. I’m sure they’re the best of friends. Saying goodbye sucked, but like Dave kept telling me, we will make a plan to get together again soon.
The low point of the trip happened last night when I drank way too much wine. I’ve been a little tipsy a couple of times since Jillian died, but this was the first time I’ve actually been drunk. That was a huge mistake. At one point, I said to my dad that I just want a baby. Then I corrected myself and said, “I just want Jillian.” That was it for me. The sadness I suddenly felt made it feel like it was December 10, and the thought of living the rest of my life without Jillian was once again unbearable. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor of the patio, in Dave’s arms, wailing in a way that I think only parents who have lost their children can do. Needless to say, I won’t be drinking more than one or two drinks at at time again any time soon. I’ve been avoiding getting drunk because I was afraid it would stir up too many emotions, and it certainly did.
We’re on our way home now. As much as I’ve enjoyed seeing everyone and the beautiful weather, I’m ready to be home with my animals. Before we left, I was worried that it would feel like I was leaving Jillian behind. I know now that it wasn’t the case. She was with me the whole time. It’s very fitting that S gave me a small heart-shaped token with an angel on the front. On the back, it reads “you are never alone.”