Happy Mother’s Day

Today is difficult. It’s my first Mother’s Day as a mother, and I hate it. Mother’s Day is not fun if the baby isn’t here. It’s made even worse by realizing that today is also the five-month mark since Jillian died. Kick me while I’m down, world. I hate to be a pessimist and say it’s just my luck, but it is just my luck.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my role as a mother and all the things I missed out on. I never got to feed my child, aside from swabs of colostrum. I never changed my baby’s diapers. Worst of all, I don’t get to see her grow up. I’ll never see Dave teaching her to drive the go-kart she was destined to have as soon as she was old enough. I’ll never hear her laughter or dry her tears.

I am thankful for the things I did get to do as her mother. I’m thankful that I was fortunate enough to hear her cry. I got to read her stories and quietly sing to her. I got to watch her doing things that made me laugh, and I’ll have those memories forever. Most of all, I got the absolute honor of holding my child as she died. As horrible as her death was, I feel truly blessed that she died in my arms. It’s something that no mother should ever have to do, but I think of it as a gift.

My fear about today has been that I would be forgotten.  Fortunately, I woke up this morning to a message from a friend wishing me a happy Mother’s Day.  This friend singlehandedly made what I figured would be the fourth worst day of my life a million times better.  It still hurts just to be awake and think about what I’m missing today, but at least now I feel like I can face it.

I hope all the moms out there have a good day.  I will be thinking of all of you.

8 thoughts on “Happy Mother’s Day

  1. I should have said so, but I was thinking of you. Still am. Happy Mother’s Day.

  2. It’s a day late here, but you already know you weren’t forgotten by me. Love you, Happy Mother’s Day.

  3. Definitely not forgotten, sweetheart. You and Jillian are always close to my heart.

  4. Wishing you a belated happy mother’s day. Jillian is so lucky to have you as her mommy, you’re an absolute gem. Stay strong, my friend.

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