Today is difficult. It’s my first Mother’s Day as a mother, and I hate it. Mother’s Day is not fun if the baby isn’t here. It’s made even worse by realizing that today is also the five-month mark since Jillian died. Kick me while I’m down, world. I hate to be a pessimist and say it’s just my luck, but it is just my luck.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my role as a mother and all the things I missed out on. I never got to feed my child, aside from swabs of colostrum. I never changed my baby’s diapers. Worst of all, I don’t get to see her grow up. I’ll never see Dave teaching her to drive the go-kart she was destined to have as soon as she was old enough. I’ll never hear her laughter or dry her tears.
I am thankful for the things I did get to do as her mother. I’m thankful that I was fortunate enough to hear her cry. I got to read her stories and quietly sing to her. I got to watch her doing things that made me laugh, and I’ll have those memories forever. Most of all, I got the absolute honor of holding my child as she died. As horrible as her death was, I feel truly blessed that she died in my arms. It’s something that no mother should ever have to do, but I think of it as a gift.
My fear about today has been that I would be forgotten. Fortunately, I woke up this morning to a message from a friend wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. This friend singlehandedly made what I figured would be the fourth worst day of my life a million times better. It still hurts just to be awake and think about what I’m missing today, but at least now I feel like I can face it.
I hope all the moms out there have a good day. I will be thinking of all of you.