I haven’t really said on here that Dave and I would start TTC again soon. I think I was nervous about people asking if I’m pregnant yet or eyeing my drinks trying to determine if I’m consuming alcohol or not. I realized this week that none of that matters: I will be saying “no” even if I am pregnant until the pregnancy is deemed viable and my cervix is locked up, and I’m not going to be drinking anyway. So for the record, if you see me ordering water at a bar, it means nothing.
We’ll be trying again soon. At this point, I’m just ready to get this show on the road. I know that getting pregnant will bring a new wave of emotions that I haven’t experienced yet. As excited as we’ll be, we’ll both be extremely nervous, and I think we’ll be feeling a lot of sadness. We’re not supposed to be trying again so soon because Jillian is supposed to be two or almost six months old.
I talked to one of my counselors a couple of months ago about how I’m so nervous about the second trimester that I’ve almost forgotten about how nerve-wracking the first trimester could be. She predicted that it would all come back to me as soon as I have a positive test, but it’s starting to come back already. I had a ton of spotting with Jillian and one night with a lot of blood and cramping – so much so that Dave and I were certain that I was miscarrying. I spent the rest of my pregnancy being afraid of going to the bathroom, in fear that it would happen again, and I’m already nervous about it for next time. I was so sick with Jillian that I’m scared that if I’m not sick next time, I’ll think something is wrong, even though I know every pregnancy is different. Of course, if I’m sick next time, I’ll be worried that throwing up will put too much pressure on my cervix. I can’t win in my mind.
I’m also terrified that what happened with Jillian will happen again. It’s completely unfathomable, and people usually say things like “but you’ll be monitored so much next time,” but that’s no guarantee. With the cerclage, odds will be in my favor, but it’s not foolproof. I’m also afraid of the unintentionally terrible things will say. Mostly, that Jillian will watch over the next baby and make sure he/she is okay. I don’t want that kind of pressure on my angel. If something does go wrong, does it mean that Jillian failed? I’d like to think that people won’t say it, but it’s already been said. I think most people can’t comprehend why this statement would make my heart hurt, and of course it’s well-intentioned, but I hope I won’t hear it anymore.
That said, knowing that we’ll be trying again this cycle has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I talked with two of my counselors this week about how I’m able to look forward now instead of back. I’ll never stop looking back completely, and I think I’ll continue to think of Jillian every day, throughout the day, for the rest of my life, but I now have something that will hopefully be positive to think and dream about.
I’ll cross all these bridges as we come to them. I hope it happens soon. If it does, I’ll tell you about 14 weeks later. 🙂