Looking ahead

I haven’t really said on here that Dave and I would start TTC again soon. I think I was nervous about people asking if I’m pregnant yet or eyeing my drinks trying to determine if I’m consuming alcohol or not. I realized this week that none of that matters: I will be saying “no” even if I am pregnant until the pregnancy is deemed viable and my cervix is locked up, and I’m not going to be drinking anyway. So for the record, if you see me ordering water at a bar, it means nothing.

We’ll be trying again soon. At this point, I’m just ready to get this show on the road. I know that getting pregnant will bring a new wave of emotions that I haven’t experienced yet. As excited as we’ll be, we’ll both be extremely nervous, and I think we’ll be feeling a lot of sadness. We’re not supposed to be trying again so soon because Jillian is supposed to be two or almost six months old.

I talked to one of my counselors a couple of months ago about how I’m so nervous about the second trimester that I’ve almost forgotten about how nerve-wracking the first trimester could be. She predicted that it would all come back to me as soon as I have a positive test, but it’s starting to come back already. I had a ton of spotting with Jillian and one night with a lot of blood and cramping – so much so that Dave and I were certain that I was miscarrying. I spent the rest of my pregnancy being afraid of going to the bathroom, in fear that it would happen again, and I’m already nervous about it for next time. I was so sick with Jillian that I’m scared that if I’m not sick next time, I’ll think something is wrong, even though I know every pregnancy is different. Of course, if I’m sick next time, I’ll be worried that throwing up will put too much pressure on my cervix. I can’t win in my mind.

I’m also terrified that what happened with Jillian will happen again. It’s completely unfathomable, and people usually say things like “but you’ll be monitored so much next time,” but that’s no guarantee. With the cerclage, odds will be in my favor, but it’s not foolproof.  I’m also afraid of the unintentionally terrible things will say. Mostly, that Jillian will watch over the next baby and make sure he/she is okay. I don’t want that kind of pressure on my angel. If something does go wrong, does it mean that Jillian failed? I’d like to think that people won’t say it, but it’s already been said. I think most people can’t comprehend why this statement would make my heart hurt, and of course it’s well-intentioned, but I hope I won’t hear it anymore.

That said, knowing that we’ll be trying again this cycle has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I talked with two of my counselors this week about how I’m able to look forward now instead of back. I’ll never stop looking back completely, and I think I’ll continue to think of Jillian every day, throughout the day, for the rest of my life, but I now have something that will hopefully be positive to think and dream about.

I’ll cross all these bridges as we come to them. I hope it happens soon. If it does, I’ll tell you about 14 weeks later. 🙂

12 thoughts on “Looking ahead

  1. Good luck hun! I will continue to pray for you guys to get pregnant quickly and for it to be your take home baby!

  2. It’s only been 13 days since I lost my daughter (at 26 weeks, they still have no idea why), so we’re far from starting to try again, but I already think about these things you have so perfectly expressed. The hope of having another chance at being a mom is one of the only things keeping me going right now, but the fear of losing another baby is so intense. Praying that you get pregnant again quickly and that you’re able to bring a healthy sibling for sweet Jillian into the world. Xoxo

  3. Best of luck with the trying.. and have FUN trying! And don’t worry about telling anyone until you’re good and ready to.. even if that means you’re nine months pregnant and about to pop!

  4. Good luck, Meg! 🙂 I will definitely be praying for you guys. I’ve never thought about the “watching over the next baby” thing that way before… and now I don’t think I’ll never say it again! I think that totally makes sense, I wouldn’t want to put that pressure on Olivia either.

  5. I hope your next pregnancy comes soon and that it is very easy. Even if it isn’t easy though, know that I’ll be there for you (along with many others). I’m very excited for you guys 🙂

  6. Best of luck and fun with the trying. Just remember, no matter what happens (or when you tell us), we’re here for you.

  7. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy, sweetheart. I never thought about that statement before, not only because it seems like an odd thing to say, but it does seem like a lot of pressure no matter “who” is supposed to watching over.

  8. Everything you expressed is valid. I will be here for you when the time comes. And you better not make me wait 14 weeks 😉

  9. *hugs* I totally get this post. We are just about to hit the second trimester and as relieved as I am to be out of it…it doesn’t come without worry. You need to do what you need to do on your own time table. We didn’t race to tell people and still have several we haven’t told.

  10. I found your blog from a link in a signature on thebump last week and have been reading it ever since. Your strength over the last 5 month amazes me. I have never been in your position so I can’t say that I understand what you are going through. I will continue to follow your story and hope and pray for your family that you will be able to welcome a sweet new baby in the early part of 2011! Thank You for sharing your story with complete strangers.

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