I woke up with a sense of dread this morning. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling. I have a history of depression, and I used to wake up with this feeling (when I could actually sleep) pretty regularly when I was depressed. It concerns me a little bit because I’d like to avoid another bout of depression (although I’m sure it would be understandable for it to happen now), but I’m comforted by the fact that I’m seeing a therapist on my own, Dave and I are seeing a therapist together, and we’re starting in a couple of weeks with a support group for parents who have lost infants. It’s kind of a mental health overload, but there’s no doubt that we need it.

In addition to the dread I felt when I woke up this morning, I’m dreading the rest of this week. I hate that Christmas is in four days. We’re not doing anything for it (Dave and I are spending the day alone, together), but pretending it isn’t happening doesn’t make the reminders go away. There are music and decorations everywhere, but they aren’t nearly as bad as the commercials on TV. We’ve mostly been avoiding live TV, but we’ve already watched everything on our DVR and most movies are unable to capture our attention, so sometimes live TV is the only thing to watch. Most Christmas commercials seem to involve kids opening presents, which aren’t easy to see, but the worst commercial by far is that damn Kay commercial with the husband telling his baby-holding wife that it’s their first Christmas as a family. It’s truly a Christmas miracle that I haven’t thrown my computer or a brick through our TV in the dozen or so times that we’ve seen it.

Dave and I joked a few times while I was still pregnant that this would be our last boring Christmas, because we naively assumed that starting in 2010, we’d always have kids around to make Christmas more fun. So much for that idea.

7 thoughts on “Dread

  1. Megan *huge hugs* I want to throw the TV out the window every time I see that damn Kay's commercial too. I yell everytime I see it!!

  2. I only saw that commercial once, but man, it took a whole lot not to puke.

    It's good that you have a therapist you are comfortable with. That is so very important.

  3. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you both. I'm going out of town for two weeks tomorrow, but even though I won't be able to pop in to say so, please know I'll be thinking about you then, too. Love.

  4. Thinking of you. The first Christmas after we lost Nick and Sophie, we had also just lost Alex. It was hard. On the day, we went to Mass and then came home and just asked people to leave us alone. We didnt want to be part of the festive holiday. We just wanted to be alone with ourselves and our thoughts of our dear babies.

    Sending hugs…

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