I’m pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant, to be a little more specific. We had the very good luck of getting pregnant our first cycle trying this time. It was hard not to think that it was about time we caught a break on something, but on the other hand, I’ve spent over eight weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My cerclage was placed yesterday. That was fortunately pretty uneventful. Being pregnant again has been, well, interesting. It’s been scary, but not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I’ve realized that I still love being pregnant, which I thought was never going to be possible again. Even so, being pregnant is very bittersweet. Experiencing another pregnancy, especially one that has felt very much like my pregnancy with Jillian, has made me miss her even more than I already do. There is a tiny part of me that feels like I’m betraying her, even though I know she would never think that. It’s also difficult to remember that the baby is not her, especially during ultrasounds.
As we’ve started telling people our news, we’re learning that a lot of people suspected I was pregnant, partially because I haven’t been blogging as much. I actually have been updating pretty regularly, but those posts have all been set as private. I’ll unlock them, but there’s not much to them, aside from me being scared about bleeding and stuff (I had a subchorionic hematoma that was causing bleeding and spotting for several weeks).
So, the news is finally out. We’re thrilled. Scared, but thrilled, and trying very hard to be optimistic. We are very much in love with this baby. We want nothing more in the world than for Jillian to be here with us to share in our happiness, but in a way, I know she is. Yesterday during the procedure, I started crying a little as I was looking around the operating room and remembering Jillian’s birth. Suddenly, my heart started feeling very warm and I knew my sweet girl was there. She’s an amazing angel.