Anger and guilt

I was supposed to be 27 weeks pregnant today. This is a hard one for me to swallow. All I can think about, in addition to the baby we didn’t get to keep, is the entire trimester I didn’t get to have. Once I got past being nauseated and exhausted 24 hours a day, I loved being pregnant. I felt great, and every day, there was something new and exciting. Jillian’s hiccups were my favorite. I felt such a connection to her already, and I selfishly treasured the time when I had her all to myself.

The thing I’m having the hardest time with is the guilt I feel about Jillian being born so early. I know it wasn’t caused by anything I did or had any control over, but the fact is my body failed. While it’s possible that someday I may stop feeling so guilty about it, I don’t think anyone will ever be able to convince me that this was not a failure on my body’s part. It didn’t work the way it was supposed to. It didn’t keep my baby safe. The most frustrating thing for me is that there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it. There was no infection, and worst of all for me, there wasn’t anything wrong with Jillian (aside from being born way too early).

The thing that keeps me up at night is the thought of Jillian being scared. I don’t know how conscious she was of anything that was going on. While a part of me would like to think she didn’t have any idea what was happening, that also means that she didn’t know when Dave and I were there, didn’t feel my hands on her, didn’t hear us, etc. The evidence suggests otherwise (mainly, her heart rate slowing down when we talked to her, and her physically calming down when my hands were on her), but that leads me back to thinking that she must have been terrified during her short life. It upsets me so much that I don’t think I can even finish typing my thoughts on it. I know she knew how much we love her. I wish it had been enough to save her.

9 thoughts on “Anger and guilt

  1. Despite what everyone tells me to the contrary, I also feel like I failed my children. If I could have just kept them inside a couple weeks longer.. if I'd gone into the hospital earlier maybe my labor could have been stopped.. maybe they could have been born in a less traumatic way to prevent the brain bleeds. I apologize every day to Hunter that I couldn't keep him inside longer. And I also will likely never know WHY. No infection.. and my babies always looked completely perfect at every ultrasound (including the one three days before birth.)

    It makes no sense. It scares me to think about failing another baby, if my body rebels again. I'd like to think it was just a terrible fluke, but I'll never know for sure.

  2. I am so sorry. I know she knew you were there and loved her. There is no doubt about that…
    I wish I could hug you and comfort you but I know right now the only comfort you want is from a hug from your precious baby! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

  3. I am so sorry, honey. 🙁 I comment because I want you to know I am here for you, but no matter what I type it never seems enough… There are no words. But I'm hugging you every day. All my love…

  4. Oh sweetie… I dont think she was scared (although I have had those same worries). And the guilt… I wish me saying you have nothing to be guilty for would make a difference, but I know it wont. No matter what people say, I still feel guilty… Terribly guilty… But truly, you loved your daughter completely- that is the most important thing ever.

  5. I have no words, but I know she knew your love. I know right now, that she's not scared and she loves you and is looking down on you with complete adoration and thankfulness that no matter how short her life, that she had you as her mother.

  6. There is no doubt in my mind that Jillian knew how much you and her daddy loved and love her. It is exactly as you said, she remembered your voices and remembered your touches. She was comforted by them each time and knew that even when you had to leave, that you would come back and she would know who her mommy and daddy were.

  7. Oh this post breaks my heart. I can't remember if I have left you a comment before, but I have been reading your blog since the beginning. I know you don't know me (I'm from The Bump), but I want you to know I think about you everyday. I really do. I am not just saying it to be nice. I pray for you and carry your little Jillian angel in my heart always.

    Love, Bree AKA Married2MyBff

  8. Megan, my thoughts and prayers have been with you and Dave. I can not begin to imagine what you've been going through but I believe 100% that Jillian knew and continues to know the power and strength of your love for her and each other.

  9. *hugs* The guilt makes it so hard to move on and I know its easier said then done, but don't beat yourself up. You did what you could. Jillian knows that and she loves you for that.

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