9 months

Dear Jillian,

Happy 9 months, baby girl. I didn’t think it would ever be possible to miss you even more, but as time goes on, I do. Being pregnant has intensified it. Everything I feel is a reminder of being pregnant with you, which of course makes me think about you being gone.

Whenever I cry, it’s for two reasons. The strongest grief is because I’m missing you, but I also cry because I’m worried that being pregnant will make everyone forget. I’m afraid that people think that just because I’m pregnant again, we’re okay. I’m afraid they’ll think we got over you. I’m afraid that the new baby will be celebrated as our first. Daddy keeps reminding me that we’re the only ones who matter, and we know that you were our first child, first love, and we will never forget, but I’m still afraid. I’m so protective of you, and I’m a little scared of how I’ll react if someone leaves you out. I’m a little afraid I’ll wind up in jail for assault.

I’m hoping we’ll find out soon whether your sibling is a brother or sister, and to be honest, I’m scared. We will obviously be happy either way, but I’m worried about the feelings I’ll have. We will be ecstatic to have another girl, but then I think about the big sister she won’t have here with her, and I ache at the thought of you missing out on her. I think of her wedding day, and it stings to know that you can’t stand beside her. If this baby is a boy, we’ll still be ecstatic and I’ll still grieve the relationship you’ll each be missing. I love my brothers so much and am so thankful for them, and I don’t want you missing out on that.

We’ll be okay, though. We’ll get through it together, and I can promise you that your little brother or sister is going to know all about you. He or she will see your pictures, hear all about you, use your blanket, and know the footprints and handprints hanging on our bedroom wall are yours. He or she will know that you were the bravest little girl who fought so hard, and because of you, he or she will never be taken for granted. His or her life will be better because of you, just like Daddy’s and mine.

We love you and miss you so much, Monkey. I love you more than anything.

Love,
Mommy

2 thoughts on “9 months

  1. I can’t believe 9 months have already passed. The feelings are still so fresh. Love and miss you guys.

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