We’re as excited as can be. Even though I’ve been thinking this whole time that this baby was a boy, it was still a surprise. I was nervous ahead of the ultrasound that I’d be disappointed about having a boy, but if I felt any disappointment, it lasted for less than a second. I think that it goes without saying that we care about a healthy baby more than anything, but there was a part of me hoping for a girl. We were preparing ourselves for a girl with Jillian, and it’s the future we had been imagining and the future we lost nine months ago from today. I have had some moments of sadness since finding out on Tuesday, but I realized at one point that my sadness actually doesn’t have a thing to do with this baby. My sadness is only because I miss Jillian. It’s not that I don’t love this baby as fiercely as I love Jillian, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want a boy.
There is a part of me that fears that Jillian was our only girl, and it does make me sad to think we may never have another daughter. Another daughter wouldn’t make losing Jillian any easier because I will miss her until the day I die no matter what, but in a way, I feel like I know what I’m missing and that makes me want to have another girl someday so much. There’s also the very superficial part of me that thinks baby girl clothes are a million times cuter. I have pink and purple yarns in my stash that I had bought to knit things for Jillian that I’m afraid I’ll never use because I can’t bear the thought of giving it away. They seem like such silly reasons, but I know that they all stem from my aching for Jilly.
I don’t want it to sound like we’re not absolutely thrilled to be having a boy. We truly are. I think sometimes it seems like we’re not that excited, regardless of gender, but it’s scary to get excited at this point. Fortunately, our love for this little guy isn’t measured by our enthusiasm. He’s already one of the most loved little boys in the world, and I can’t wait to meet him. In February.