I don’t even know what to say

I posted last week about my friend Susan and her little boy. She was admitted to the hospital and placed on bed rest.

She reached 23 weeks yesterday and went into labor. She spent the morning upside down, hoping for a miracle. I was hoping for a miracle with her. I spent the day with my phone in my hand, hoping that it wouldn’t make a sound, because I was taking no news as good news.

I don’t remember what time it was when I found out Matthew had arrived. Susan said they were working on him, and Dave and I held vigil on our couch. We cried and we hoped, but we knew the odds weren’t good. We didn’t want to be pessimistic, but we didn’t want to be naive. I kept looking at my phone to make sure that I hadn’t imagined everything.

A few hours later, she let me know that he had passed. She sent me his picture, and he was beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Perfect.

If I could take Susan’s pain for her, I would. I am unable to comprehend what she is going through right now. I want to do something, but I have no idea what to do. I feel like all I can do is keep telling her that I love her and hold Matthew in my heart. I know she’ll get through this because she’s the strongest person I’ve ever known, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s just so unfair.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I’m just rambling because I don’t know what else to do.

Rest in peace, Matthew. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed and I will never forget you. I will do whatever I can to comfort your mommy and daddy.

8 thoughts on “I don’t even know what to say

  1. Please let Susan and her family know she is not alone. Though we all do it with sadnessm we walk the path with her. Matthew will always be remembered.

  2. What a small world-I heard about this last night from my husband, who got the news from his co-worker (and I’m not sure how she knows Susan). My heart just sunk. So awful, so heartbreaking, so unfair. We will be thinking about and praying for her and her family. <3 Matthew <3

  3. I was heartbroken about it. I can’t believe someone would have to go through that twice. So sad. All my thoughts and prayers to that family.

  4. I am so sad to hear about Susan and Matthew. I think you are doing exactly what she needs…letting her know that you are here for her, that you love her and Matthew and that you will never forget her little boy. She is lucky that she has you to help her through this.

    I am thinking about all of you.

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