10 Months

Dear Jillian,

Happy ten months, love. I haven’t stopped missing you for one second.

Time is moving along. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about being pregnant again, but I’ve also been feeling some about the fact that your birthday is only two months away. How is that possible? We’re definitely celebrating your birthday, but I know it will be hard. It’s the one year anniversary of both the best and worst day of my life. As time goes on, the best part overshadows the worst, but I don’t know if I’ll ever forget how scared Daddy and I were and how guilty I felt about you being born so early. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel like I failed you. I know it was my body and I couldn’t control it, but my body should have let me protect you.

I’m dreading Halloween this year. It’s never been my favorite day, but this year won’t be easy, seeing how it was supposed to be your first Halloween. I was thinking this morning about what your costume would have been, but after thinking about it for a few seconds, it was obvious. Of course my little monkey would have been dressed as a monkey. I’m sure you would have been the cutest monkey ever.

Your little brother is growing well and so far, my body is holding up. It’s still scary, but we’re trying to be optimistic. I just wish you were here with us.

We love you and miss you so much, Jilly. I hope you’re keeping an eye on Matthew and letting him know how much his mommy and daddy love him.


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