I don’t really have a point today.

It’s been a tough couple of days. Nothing really specific has happened, but I’ve done a lot of crying. I’ve also done a lot of smiling because I’ve been trying to focus on the good moments we had with Jillian. That usually leads to crying, though.

I was thinking earlier about all of Jillian’s stuff. We have a drawer full of her clothes in our bedroom, and I have several dresses of hers hanging in my closet. I can’t bring myself to put them away. They’re all so pretty, and it doesn’t hurt to see them the way I thought it would. The first thing I did when we came home from the hospital was open my closet and run my fingers over the dresses. For some strange reason, seeing them provides comfort. I’ve also been unable to do anything with her stroller. I guess I’m hoping that we’ll be able to put it to use before too long.

We start our support group next week. Dave is looking forward to it, for no reason other than he hopes it will help, but I’m pretty nervous about it. I know the first session is going to be tough, mainly because I imagine that we’ll all have to share our stories about why we’re there. On the other hand, I’m looking forward to talking about Jillian. Nothing makes me happier than telling anyone who will listen all about her.

7 thoughts on “I don’t really have a point today.

  1. I'm glad you wrote even "without a point". My comments feel the same. They have no point except to say that I love you and am thinking about you both. xoxo

  2. After our babies died, I went into the nursery and sat there. A lot of people thought it was crazy that we didnt put stuff away, but we never did and it was beautiful… It was wonderful to sit in there and remember them… To remember every moment with them inside and out… I would touch their blankets and clothes… And just remember. Yes, there were tears. Yes, it felt empty at times… I felt empty… But being there brought me such joy too… It was one place where I could feel them so strongly, even though they were never physically in there except inside of me.

    Put the things away when you feel ready. It may be tomorrow. It may be never. And that is okay. You carry Jillian inside of you and when you touch those dresses or hold her blankets, I believe you do hold part of her there.

  3. You need to do what is comfortable for you. If that means keeping Jillian's items out then definately do so.

    I have been to a couple support groups. I know people have mixed feelings, but the one thing I do know is that the people I have met in support groups are the only people in real life that I feel like I can talk openly about Jonathan and say anything I need to. I hope it helps you. *hugs*

  4. I think that you are insanely strong! The support group is a wonderful idea and I hope it helps both you and Dave.
    xoxox

  5. Megan, you are such a strong woman. I know you probably don't feel like it, but reading your blog gives me strength.

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