Time keeps getting away from me. I went through a period of not being able to sleep at night, which turned me into a zombie during the day who is too tired to even type.

Things have been pretty uneventful. I’m not as much as a wreck as I thought I would be right now, but I’m still terrified. Having an ultrasound every week is helpful. I can think of several instances where I would have gone to the hospital or my doctor’s office if it weren’t for the ultrasounds and being able to see for myself that my cervix is holding up.

This Saturday will be 24w3d, which is when Jillian was born. I figured I’d be too scared to move, but if things still look good during the ultrasound on Friday, I’ll probably be confident enough to at least get up. I have mixed feelings about this Sunday. It will be the most pregnant I’ve been, which is exciting, but thinking about it stirs up some new emotions. I feel guilty that Jilly and I didn’t make it that far, but then I feel guilty about wishing that things had been different because I am pretty confident that I wouldn’t be pregnant right now if things had happened they way they were supposed to. It’s just hard. I do a lot of pretending that I’m holding up better than I really am.

In other news, we scheduled my c-section at my last appointment. It felt so optimistic to do it, and I feel a little bit like we’re tempting fate, but it needed to be done. We haven’t decided yet if we’re telling people when it’s happening. We’d kind of like to surprise people, but at the same time, I feel like not telling people is going to cause countless phone calls and emails to see if the little dude is here yet. I thought about threatening people by telling them that each phone call, text, or email will delay their first visit by one week, but that’s probably a little mean.

7 thoughts on “23w5d

  1. Wow, you scheduled your c-section already? They said I had to wait (I’m 27w). I would love to have a date in mind. I’m scared that I am going to go into labor before that date though.

    I also pretend I am better than I am. At work, with family other than my husband, and friends, I try to be normal but inside I am always freaking out. Always!

    I hope you continue with a healthy pregnancy. Warm hugs.

  2. Oh hon, I can’t even imagine how emotionally draining it must be to be approaching the gestational age that Jillian was born. So hopeful but scared.. I know that’s how I’d be feeling getting closer to 26w3d, my D-day.

    It must also be difficult putting up the front that you’re fine and strong, when you’re struggling inside. Sometimes we find it more important to make sure other people think we’re okay.. just make sure you let down that wall now and then with your husband. *hugs*

  3. Amanda, I felt like mine was late being scheduled. It seems like everyone I know who has scheduled c-sections knows really early when it will be. I’m still not convinced that I’ll make it to that date. It’s such a foreign concept to me.

  4. Big hugs my dear. I can’t imagine the stress you’re feeling right now, but I can’t wait to see pictures of you the most pregnant you’ve ever been. I know it’s a double edged sword though. Hang in there. I think of you and your baby boy often, even though I’m not around a ton to say hi. Smooches from me and “I”, Meg

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