Steps forward and back

I have a lot of moments where I feel like I’m getting better. Today is definitely better than, for example, the day after Jillian died. I don’t have the constant aching in my heart that I did then. That said, there are still moments when I feel like I’m never going to get better and everything seems so hopeless. I try to remind myself that it is actually getting a little easier, but the grief is so overwhelming when it comes that I forget about the times when it’s not that bad.

Dave went into work today, and I’ve almost called him to come home a few times. I’ve had a couple of instances of crying my eyes out, and being afraid that I’m not going to be able to stop crying. I have, obviously, but having Dave go to work was harder than I expected it to be. I also ran a couple of errands today, and that probably wasn’t the best idea (and not only because it 20 degrees out and about as windy as can be). I survived, but I almost broke down a few times. It’s just another thing that’s easier when Dave is there. I kind of wish I could call the grocery store before I go there again to ask if they can turn the music off for me. I think every song they had playing was more tear-inducing than the last.

I feel like the hardest thing about all of this is seeing how much Dave is hurting. I think he probably feels the same way about seeing me in pain. As hard as all of this is, if I could take his pain for him, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know he wouldn’t let me, though. I feel very lucky to have him. We’ve both said that as much as we wish we didn’t have to go through this, we’re glad we’re going through it with each other.

6 thoughts on “Steps forward and back

  1. *huge hugs* There will be good days and there will be bad days….you'll even start to notice that the good days outnumber the bad days. The pain never completely goes away, but in time you start to heal.

  2. I am so grateful you have your husband to lean on through this, and vice versa. I continue to pray for God to give you strength everyday to carry on and begin healing. You're always in my thoughts.
    Love, Bree

  3. I am never sure exactly what to say when someone is in a state of loss other than – share – when I was in a state of loss the only thing that made me feel better was doing things "in memory of" – running marathons, fundraisers for charity and working myself into the ground to serve a greater purpose… nothing else worked for me.

    I wish you healing, comfort and joy in the new year.

    Kindest regards,
    Tom Bailey

  4. I think one of the things that is so hard for husbands during baby loss is that they aren't really encouraged to share their feelings like we are, yet they feel them just as intensely. In addition, they're worried about their wives.

    Sending love and prayers to both of you.

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