Bittersweet

I’ve been having a rough week. Pregnancy wise, everything is still going well. Emotionally, I’ve been kind of a mess.

Last night, I broke down because of a coat. I had a coat that I bought when I was pregnant with Jillian but never wore, but we donated it to a coat drive because it was too big, plus I kind of resented the thing because I didn’t stay pregnant long enough to wear it. I need a new one because the non-maternity coat I’ve been wearing is about two days from the buttons popping off, and the other maternity coat that I have is also too big and not warm enough for actual winter.

I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a coat that will fit because most of the stuff in the maternity store near me is too big for me, plus the coat I liked is way too expensive for something I only plan to wear for three months. So I finally found something online that I liked, even though it cost too much, and as I went to order it, I remembered that I refuse to buy anything on this particular website because they were the absolute worst about baby-related mailings and were the hardest list to get off. When I remembered that, I lost it. Like, seriously lost it. Couldn’t breathe kind of thing. I’ve been trying so hard not to get upset like that because I am terrified that I’m going to have contractions if I get too worked up, but I obviously couldn’t help it. That was about my 15th breakdown of the week. It’s only Tuesday.

I am pretty sure that the main reason for my amped up emotions is thinking about him arriving. Obviously, I am very excited for him to arrive (IN FEBRUARY), and as I’m getting further along, I’m finally allowing myself to actually imagine having him and being able to bring him home. It’s a wonderful thing to imagine, but it’s tinged with sadness because Jillian won’t be there. I can’t picture our first moments and days without crying because Jillian won’t be there. She’ll be there in our hearts, of course, but I want her there. I want her here. Now.

After I finish crying about Jillian, I start crying about how unfair I’m being to the little guy (by the way, I just accidentally typed his actual name). I feel like we should be nothing but overjoyed about how well this pregnancy has gone and that every day that passes, we’re getting closer to our goal, but instead I’m crying almost constantly. I know there’s a perfectly valid reason for it, but I still feel guilty.

I know I’ll get through it and that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I’m sure the fact that Jillian’s birthday is less than three weeks away is making it a little worse, along with all the approaching holidays that should have been her first. It’s just all so overwhelming. It amazes me how now, eleven and a half months later, I’m still completely caught off guard by the permanency of losing her. I thought I was starting to get used to it, but I don’t know if I ever will.

9 thoughts on “Bittersweet

  1. I caught the name and I had to go back and re-read that. As much as I want to get used to the permanency, right now I still like getting caught off guard. I think I’m more afraid that a day will go by that I don’t think of Aidan a few times.

  2. Earlier this week, I was thinking about her birthday coming up too. I can’t imagine how hard that is going to be. 🙁 I don’t think you ever get used to it. I’m sure you are in a tornado of emotions, some super excited and some very, deeply sad. I am thinking of you all every day and sending my love. xoxo

  3. I am the same way lately. As much as you don’t want to think and prepare for the baby to come, you have to. And thinking and preparing reminds me of all we did for Stella. It’s not like not preparing would make losing a baby any easier either so I get mad at myself for being worried.

    And with Jillian’s birthday and the holidays coming up I feel for you. Stay strong.

  4. I’m so sorry you are having a tough week! However you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling. I know I only lost Amber a couple of months ago but I did lose my mom 8 years ago (not trying to compare the losses). But I will tell you, from my experience, you never get use to the loss. You just learn to accept the loss and you find a way to just keep going. A day will not go by that you won’t think about her. But when the thoughts come up try and think about how great it will be to tell her little brother how special his big sister was!

  5. Oh honey…I dont know if we ever “get used to it” but I think at some point, we come to terms with it. Even now, 2 1/2 years since Nick and Sophie and 2 years since Alex, and with Bobby and Maya at home, I still and hit with triggers.

  6. *HUGS* It will be nice to give you a real hug in a week or so. I wish I had wise words, but I don’t. You’ve said it and know it all already. Love you.

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