Happy Birthday, Jillian

Dear Jillian,

Happy Birthday, Monkey. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since you were born. In some ways, it feels like yesterday, but like I said to Daddy the other day, I can barely remember life before you.

Even though I’ve been planning to make this a nice day, I know it’s going to be hard. I know that all day, I’ll be reliving everything. In the late afternoon, I’ll remember that it’s about the time that my water broke, and later in the night, I’ll be thinking about the moment you were born, and the three tiny cries that came from you. I’ll remember being wheeled into the NICU to visit you for the first time and being so scared that I would hurt you. I’ll be reliving your entire life in my mind over the next few days – the moments when you made Daddy and me so proud, made us laugh so hard, the fear we felt, and of course the moment our entire world crumbled into pieces around us.

I am still so heartbroken, stunned, and angry about losing you, but I’m trying to focus on how fortunate we were to get the time that we did. I’ve said this before, but if I could choose between never having you or this pain, or having things just the way they are, even with all the heartache, I would choose you every time. I wouldn’t trade our time for anything. When I’m feeling really down, I remember how lucky we were to have you, no matter how briefly. As scary and sad as they were, those were the four most important days of my life and I will cherish them until I die.

Last night as I was making cookies for your day, the fact that I was making cookies for my dead daughter’s birthday hit me like a ton of bricks. Either way, I would have been making cookies, but I would give anything for them to be for your first birthday party instead of a day of remembrance. Suddenly, I found myself trying to figure out if the past year had really happened, hoping that I would wake up, still 24 weeks pregnant, living the blissful, happy life that I had taken for granted. Obviously that’s not the case. Instead, I’m 28 weeks pregnant with your little brother, and I still have a wonderful, happy life, but there will always be something missing. I will always wonder how things would be if things had gone the way the wanted them to and I will always wish that we still had you here with us.

We’ve received some gifts and cards for you, which means more than I can express. Everyone remembers you, little one. It makes me so happy to know that Daddy and I aren’t the only ones remember what a beautiful, strong, little girl you were.

We love you and miss you so much, Jilly Girl. I could write that I love you a million times and it wouldn’t be enough. Happy birthday, love.

Love,
Mommy

9 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Jillian

  1. Happy Birthday, Jilian.

    I am thinking of your mommy and daddy so much today, sweet angel.

    xoxoxo

  2. Please know that you, your husband, and your beautiful baby girl are all being remembered and loved a little extra today. I stumbled up on your blog and have pretty much no idea who you are, but I fell in love with your daughter after reading one post. One. She is a special little girl. How lucky your little boy is to have parents like you and a big sister like Jillian.

  3. Happy birthday, Jillian. Thinking of you today. Hugs to your mom and dad as they remember your sweet face and your life.

  4. I thought of you all on the 5th. Jillian is remembered every day. I think of you, Dave, Jillian, and her baby brother each day with a smile in my heart. She is so very loved. xoxoxo

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