One year ago today, our world was turned upside down. The morning started out as normally as it could at that point: waking up with worry, pumping, going down to the NICU to say good morning to Jillian, going back upstairs to pump, and so on. I have no idea what time we found out about Jilly’s hemorrhage. We had no sense of time while we were in the hospital.
I’m feeling pretty okay today. It’s a very sad anniversary of course, but it’s not even close to the saddest day we’ve had since she died. I’m feeling pretty peaceful at the moment. Every book I’ve read and everyone I’ve talked to who has been through this has said the first year is the hardest, so I’m feeling optimistic that things will get a little easier. I think once we get past Christmas and out of 2010, I’ll feel like the worst year of my life is over. Obviously we lost Jillian in 2009, but we were in such a fog after she died that I don’t think we really knew how bad things were. 2010 has been filled with so many things that should have been and it should have been the best year of our lives. We’re obviously excited about our son, so it hasn’t been completely awful, but this year was not what we expected.
I’ll probably have a rough time tonight as we approach the time that Jillian passed away, but I have to admit I’d have to look at her death certificate to know the exact time. We’ll go to sleep with her on our minds and in our hearts, like it’s been every night for the past year. All I can hope is that she can still feel how much we love her, and I hope she knows that will never change.