So this is Christmas

I haven’t been looking forward to today at all. I expected a sad day. What I didn’t expect was for this Christmas to be worse than last Christmas. I thought that was one of the worst days of my life. Turns out Christmas Eve 2010 was worse.

Nothing bad happened, except for me having a total meltdown in the grocery store and leaving without anything. I went out to the car and cried harder than I have in months while Dave went back in to pick up my prescription. I sobbed the whole way home, screamed at strangers who hopefully couldn’t hear me, and thanked my lucky stars that I wasn’t driving, because I’d probably be in jail with a vehicular homicide charge or six against me. All the rage that I used to feel but haven’t felt in quite some time returned to the surface. I wanted to smash anything and everything.

I tried to stay calm because I know feeling like this isn’t good for the little dude, but for some reason, it all became too much in the grocery store. I fell into that black hole that’s never going to end, and I became so exhausted at the thought of living the rest of my life with so much sadness that I just wanted to give up. I didn’t want to buy groceries because I didn’t want to eat again. I didn’t want to watch these people fill their carts with food for what will probably be one of their happiest days of the year, while I struggled to come up with something I could bear to swallow, just to sustain myself through one of my saddest.

I eventually stopped crying, like I always do. I realized that this Christmas is 900 times harder than last Christmas because last year, I could barely remember my own name at this point. I was an empty shell just going through the motions, and because I was barely functioning, it was easier. The rest of the day sucked. Today has been fine, I guess. It just feels like a normal Saturday so far. If I start thinking about it, I’m sure I’ll lose it again, so I’m just not going to think about it. Dave is going to start painting the little dude’s room, which is something happy, and I’m going to get started on his crib skirt. All we can do is keep breathing and trying to live our lives. I couldn’t be more thankful that we have something positive to look forward to – our sweet baby boy. I already don’t know what I’d do without him.

I hope everyone is having a good Christmas, and I’m thinking of all of you who may be struggling for any reason.

5 thoughts on “So this is Christmas

  1. Oh Megan,
    I’m so happy for you that you are able to cherish the moments that you had with your precious lil’ Jillian…but, I am so very sorry that, in the aftermath of having to say goodbye, you’ve had to trade life with her for such a painfully deep sense loss. This contrast of your love and loss of her is more opposite than almost anything anyone else could dare to imagine… At times, our grief seems to be a lot like an inactive volcano. We can click along through life and feel as though we are doing alright, but then something happens and an explosion of emotions violently erupt.
    It is so evident that your love for her is SO deep and SO wide and So strong…absolutely immeasurable…and now, the pain of walking through life without her by your side is just as deep and wide and strong. Your physical reaction on Christmas Eve was an expression of how much your heart loves and misses her.
    I think that your ‘little dude’ is just about the luckiest lil’ guy in the whole wide world because he senses that his mama ALREADY loves him more than he could have hoped or dreamed she ever would. I look forward to the day that you can bring him home from the hospital and show him his room that was decorated with all of yours and daves tender love…

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