Jillian’s hands

One of the hardest things for me is all the things that we’ll never be able to see Jillian do or experience. I remember seeing her tiny hands for the first time. They were so tiny, but so perfect, and her fingers were so long and delicate. The first thought that went through my mind was that we needed her to survive so she could grow up and wear a wedding ring on her hand. Looking back, I feel like it was kind of a strange first thought, but I still think of it every time I picture her little hands.

I have a very difficult time thinking ahead and thinking about all of the milestones she’ll never reach. I think for the rest of my life, when I see a child who is the age Jillian should be, I’m going to be thinking about her. Dates like her due date and first birthday are hard enough, but I’m scared that I’m never going to be able to get past what should have been. I know that in three months, I’m going to be thinking about the newborn I should be holding. In a year, I’ll be thinking about the baby who should be calling us “mama” and “da-da” for the first time. In 18 years, I’m going to be thinking about the girl who should be finishing high school. In 30 years, I’ll be thinking about the beautiful woman Dave should be walking down the aisle (sorry, Jilly, we weren’t going to let you out of the house until you were at least 25).

I hope that eventually I’ll be able to focus less on what should have been, but there’s a part of me that feels like I’m forgetting her if I don’t think about it. I’ve already forgotten what her first and only cries sounded like, and I’m terrified to forget anything else. I remember the moment, but I can’t hear it anymore when I close my eyes. I don’t think I can handle forgetting anything else.

6 thoughts on “Jillian’s hands

  1. *Hugs* I definitely am with you on being terrified to forget. I look at the photos of Parker to remind myself, because I'm worried that my mind is going to alter the reality of his image. I wish I could have heard him cry, even once. I find myself almost avoiding the thoughts of where he 'should' be if he were still with us.. and it scares me to come to terms with those thoughts. Right now, I can focus on Hunter's health, but dealing with Parker's death scares me a bit.

    Know that you're not alone in this.. as unfair as it all is.

  2. *hugs* I think its natural to always think of what might of been. I believe its normal.

  3. Our doctor commented on how Maddie had such long, beautiful fingers, too. It hurts to know that I'll never get to see her hold my hand with them. That never gets easier, but I hope that you find some peace.


  4. I think that is only expected to lament what should have been. None of this is fair or even remotely explainable. I send you my love and hugs.

  5. Susie, part of my concern with holding on too much to what should have been is that I won't be able to heal if I do that. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it, but at the same time, I don't want it to be the only thing I think about (which is the case sometimes right now).

  6. It is hard. I look at every child the age of the children I miscarried or Nick, Sophie, and Alex, and cant help but see what might have been… Our first m/c was in 2001, so that is quite a long time (to me at least) and I still cant help it. It's hard.

    I loved reading about your princess's fingers. How beautiful…

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