I’m having a bad day. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that bad, but I needed to come home from the hospital for a good cry. It started last night when we were breastfeeding. Ian screamed and screamed every time we tried to start. He eventually went on, but it was so frustrating to not know what was wrong or how to fix it. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what was wrong – he was starving, but I’ve learned that getting a baby to eat while he is hungrier than he’s ever been is just about impossible.

This morning got off to a much better start. I found out when I got there that he’d taken his 6am feed from a bottle. That’s what he needs to do to break out of there, so it’s very exciting. I didn’t want to set my hopes on him doing it for the 9am feed, too, but it was hard to avoid. He breastfed for a little while, then he took almost all of his bottle.

And then he choked.

His heart rate dropped. I’m pretty sure that if I’d been hooked up to a monitor, it would show that mine just stopped. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I pulled the bottle out and sat him up, and he was totally fine, but it still scared the hell out of me. One of the nurses warned me that he’ll do this at home, which didn’t make me feel any better. I know that it happens (I’m 32 years old and still choke on my food on a daily basis), but I still don’t like it.

His doctor came to talk to me after it happened to make sure I was okay. I mostly was, but I broke down while I was talking to her. I just feel like he’s never going to get home. I keep reminding myself that he’s fine, he’s healthy, he’s only struggling with eating because he’s a preemie, and he’s not even supposed to be born yet, but I still want him home. I miss him so much when I’m not there that my heart aches. I wanted to drive over there at 3:00 this morning when I got up to pump because I missed him so much. I just hate being separated.

It’s also disappointing because they kept predicting he’d be home by the end of this week. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I did, even though I thought everyone in the NICU was insane for thinking it was even a possibility. Now I know there’s no chance of that happening this week and it sucks. I know he’ll be home before I know it, but that doesn’t make it much easier. I know things could be a lot worse (that’ an understatement), but I’m still sad. I’m going to spend the afternoon sleeping, watching crap TV, pumping, and letting myself cry. Ian’s doctor told me to go out and treat myself to a new fancy pair of underwear. I think she forgets that I’m less than two weeks postpartum. It’s not the best time for fancy underwear, if you know what I mean. I think I’m going to treat myself to some new yarn instead, and start on my next knitting project for my little dude. He’ll be home to wear it soon enough.

5 thoughts on “Wednesday

  1. Oh honey… I remember two distinct images of the kids choking. For Bobby, they had just been moved to the transitional nursery and we had the whole “we’ll be out of here soon!” mentality going. He was eating and started to choke. He turned blue and his heartrate dropped. He was fine after a little bit and the nurse on duty came over and told me what to do to fix it. In retrospect, the fact that she did that should have let me know that this was somewhat normal in preemies and, come to think of it, he was gestationally in the 30s by that time, so still preemie even had he been born then! But afterwards, how I just held him and cried, and didnt want to go home. I was just so sure… so sure something was going to happen.
    Maya didnt choke until she came home. She started choking and changing colors and we couldnt get her breathing quickly, so ended up calling 911. By the time the paramedics arrived, we had suctioned her and she puked, and she would have been okay, but we took her to Peds for an overnight. But, again, terrifying.
    I know that it doesnt help to say, but these things are going to happen. It sucks and he will grow out of it, but dont let it rob you of the joy of being with him this moment. The fear can take so much from us and the NICU doesnt help. Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers…

  2. Hugs-bad nicu days really suck. I swear it actually gets harder when the end is in sight. Ella choked and spelled so much in the nicu. It drove me crazy and scared the crap out of me. In the first few weeks I would freeze and not know what to do (even though I did) and S or a nurse would have to snap me out of it and stim E so she would snap out of it. It was literally like when she stopped breathing so did I. I had my share of really bad days towards the end. A few where I sat and sobbed full out while sitting in nursery A. One in particular was when we were close to the end of yet another 5 day spell count. I was trying to nurse her and she choked and then spelled, I got her out of it and she did it a few time more. I eventually had to just give up and have them give the feed through her tube. I was scared, I was frustrated and I just wanted to be done with the nicu. I sobbed and blubbered and may have cursed a few times (I was lucky the nursery was really empty at the time). I was pretty composed most of the time in the nicu and the nurses thought I had really lost my mind (which I kind of had) the nurses ganged up me and sent me home. I had a nice margarita that night. Good for you for taking a break when you needed it. On the choking E did it at home (she actually did it 5 min. before discharge)the nurses were really good about watching for cues from E and catching the choke fast or even slowing E down (pacing) when needed by taking the nipple out of her mouth. I used to watch the monitors constantly while feeding E but I learned that by watching and paying attention to her cues I started anticipating her episodes. As for the anticipation of Ian coming home it is so hard. I stopped trying to predict when Ella would come home and I actually decided that I would know when E was coming home when she was in the car. It will happen and he will figure it all out. Ella struggled with eating for weeks but eventually got it. Ian won’t need that long. You will be home before you know it. I am thinking of you guys all the time.

  3. I’m sorry it was a rough day. I’m glad you let yourself have a good cry. I love a good cry. The snotty aftermath, not so much. I remember J choking in the hospital. I froze in panic. And then I sat him up and he was okay. And then I had a breakdown about how I was really not mom material afterall and would proabably be a danger to him at home. LOL. It’s going to be okay. You’ll have him home soon. And you’ll live happily ever after. Love you.

  4. Sending a huge hug. I wish I could make this time go faster for you. You are doing an amazing job.

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