One month ago today

Jillian was born one month ago from today. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like it was all a dream. I was lying in bed this morning thinking about how different life was a month ago, and I just couldn’t believe what has happened and how much everything has changed.

We managed to get through yesterday. There were some tough moments. One of the hardest moments happened when I checked the mail and found Jillian’s insurance card inside. The timing of so many things has been difficult. Why coudln’t it have come on Saturday, when Dave was here with me, or even today, after I’ve had a day to adjust to him being at work? There have been some crappy coincidences, too, like Dave getting a jury notice for March 24, which was Jillian’s due date. These are the kinds of things that make me want to stay in bed.

I’ve been reminded since Jillian was born and since she died that are truly good people in this world, which is something that’s easy to forget sometimes. Friends and family have been unbelievably supportive, even through their own grief. People who just a short time ago were strangers on the internet have become a lifeline. Friends I’ve fallen out of touch with, including high school and college classmates that I haven’t spoken to since graduation, have contacted me to let me know that they’re there if there’s anything they can do. I am so grateful for all of the support we’ve received.

Dear Jillian,

Happy one-month birthday, Jilly Girl. We still miss you so much and love you more than anything. Daddy and I wouldn’t be able to get through this if we weren’t together, and we wouldn’t be able to do it without knowing that you’re watching over us. As much as it hurts to be without you, we’re going to be okay. It doesn’t feel like it sometimes, but we’re doing everything we can to get there.

I saw a magnet while I was out yesterday that made me think of you. It said “just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” It was a good reminder that we’ll survive this. While our world never be complete, hopefully we’ll be able to find happiness and beauty in life again. It will be bittersweet because you aren’t physically here with us, but we know you’ll feel our happiness.

I love you more than anything in the world, even more than both kitties combined times a million (but you still can’t tell them I said that).

Love,
Mommy

9 thoughts on “One month ago today

  1. Your friends and family love you both so much and will continue to be here for you. Don't forget to call on us whenever you need a thing.

    And I promise not to tell the girls either 🙂

  2. Megan – i have been thinking of you for the past month. we say a prayer for you, dave and jillian every night. if you need anything, i hope you know i am here. jillian is a lucky girl to have such a strong and dedicated mother. you are an inspiration to all.

  3. Megan, I believe that our children choose us before they come and they believe that those we love stay with us long after they are not on this planet. You, Dave and Jillian are forever tied in a circle of love. A circle that never ends just keeps going. I love you and am thinking and praying for you every day. xoxo

  4. Thinking of you today. On Jan. 3rd it was 2 years since I lost Little Bean. I imagine she and Jillian are running around Heaven chasing those butterflies. I continue to pray for God to give you strength each and every day.
    Love, Bree

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