This baby in the NICU thing is exhausting. It’s fabulous, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my entire life.

Ian is still doing great. We fall more and more in love with him with each passing second and I think he might be the most hilarious baby ever. Sometimes it feels like we spend our entire visits laughing, which is a big change for us. I can’t believe how much personality he’s already showing.

We have learned that every diaper change requires two new diapers. I don’t think I’ve made it through a change without getting peed on. It doesn’t matter that we put a cloth over him. The second we pull it away to fold his new diaper over, I have pee shooting up my arm.

His nurse asked this morning for the name of his pediatrician. She wanted to get started on his discharge paperwork. I can’t wait to bring him home, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared (well, except when we bathed him for the first time the other night). His nurse starting the paperwork doesn’t mean his discharge is imminent, but it’s going to happen pretty soon if things keep going the way they have been. We’re hoping for the end of next week, but I won’t be surprised if it happens later than that.

The only downside to anything related to Ian is how scared Dave and I both are. When he does anything: coughs, sneezes, whimpers, pokes himself in the eyes, cries, screams, breathes quickly, breathes loudly, poops a million times a day, spits up, seems tense, seems relaxed, etc., our hearts jump into our throats. We’re both fully aware that these are things that all babes do, and we both know it’s because we’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don’t like feeling this way, and I said to Dave last night that I just want to be able to enjoy my baby, but I don’t know how or when we’ll ever be able to relax. I know we’ll worry about him for the rest of our lives, but I also know that the level of anxiety we feel isn’t normal. Maybe it’s normal for people who have been through what we’ve been through, but I’d still like it to stop. I guess we’ll keep talking about it with each other and our grief counselor. Hopefully it will get a little easier.

3 thoughts on “Saturday

  1. For what it is worth, I think what you are describing sounds just like being a mom. 🙂 My son is almost 19 months and I still jump whenever he coughs, spits up, cries, bumps his head, breathes funny… frankly I am on edge no matter what he does. If he has been down for a nap longer than 30 min I think I check the video monitor every 5 min to see if he is moving. I worry about every little thing and how it affects him now and his future. All that said, the trick is to not let it consume you. If you spend all your “NOW” time worrying about “THEN” you’ll never get to enjoy things. I have to fight off the constant worry and let it rest in the back of my mind and enjoy the laughs, the smiles, the silly sounds, the… the pure joy that is being a mom. I think you are doing wonderful!

  2. I’m so freaking excited for you guys! Keeping my fingers crossed for a speedy discharge!

  3. What a little trooper! YAY! I’m so glad everything is going well. He is so sweet, honey. And YIPPEE for bf’ing. That is also awesome that it is going well. love and kisses to all xoxoxoxo

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