That’s where Ian is. He’s currently asleep about two feet from me. I’m starting to realize the NICU is a lot noisier than I realized because he’s been making almost nonstop noise since we walked in the door. I normally get really annoyed with loud breathers and snorers, but I like that he’s so loud. I can’t even describe what it’s like to look over and see him here. On one hand, it’s like “holy crap, there’s really a baby here,” but on the other, I already forget what it’s like without him here, even though he’s only been home for a couple of hours.
He’s already choked once since we got home. Surprisingly, it’s a lot less scary to have him choke when he’s not hooked up to monitors. In the NICU, everything starts ringing and flashing, and I can see what happens to his heart rate. When I happens here, I just sit him up, make sure he’s okay, and move along. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want it to ever happen again, but I’m feeling a little better about the fact that it probably will.
We thought bringing a baby home was going to be very emotional for us, but it actually wasn’t. There’s obviously still plenty of time for us to be emotional, and I think we were probably too nervous about bringing home to be emotional about how we never got to bring Jillian home. I did get a little choked up about leaving the NICU last night, but it was because I was thinking about how I’ve spent the past 17 days in the same place where Jilly lived her life. I’ll also really miss some of the nurses and doctors. I don’t think I could ever say enough about how amazing the people are there.
So now we’re going to enjoy our little man. The past thirteen/fourteen months were not what we had planned, but I feel like we’ve finally gotten where we’re supposed to be. I can’t say I wouldn’t change anything, and I’ll never stop wishing that we had Jillian here with us, but I feel like we’re going to be okay. Actually, we’re going to be great. We’re going to have the happy life that we promised her we’d strive for and I feel like we have her to thank for it.