It’s been one month since Jillian died. I’m trying to decide if I’m doing better or worse, and I just don’t know. If I’d written this a week ago, I would have better for sure, but it’s been such a tough week for me that it doesn’t feel like I’m doing better than I was a month ago. When I try to compare how I was feeling then versus now, the only difference is that I’m not in the state of shock that I was then. I think it was easier to bear then because I was in such a fog that it didn’t really feel like it was actually happening.
I was thinking this morning that I wished I had something positive to post. I’ve written this before, but I am so tired of being so sad all the time. I know this blog is such a downer, which frustrates me. The reality is that this blog is for me (and also to honor and remember Jillian), so I need to write what I need to write, but I still wish I had something happy going on. I could write about all the things I’m thankful for, but somehow even those things are negative. For example, I’m thankful that we got the time with Jillian that we did, but I can’t say that without also saying I wish she hadn’t died. I think maybe the grief is still too raw to find a happy topic.
There are things that make me smile, and I’m still trying to focus on those, even though they usually end up making me cry. My favorite thing to think about is the time the day before Jillian died when I’d ask her how much I loved her, and she’d stretch her arms out as wide as possible. I know that she didn’t know what I was asking, and I know that I was asking because she kept stretching her arms out, but it’s still one of the happiest memories I have. I also know that she really did know how much I love her.