One month

It’s been one month since Jillian died. I’m trying to decide if I’m doing better or worse, and I just don’t know. If I’d written this a week ago, I would have better for sure, but it’s been such a tough week for me that it doesn’t feel like I’m doing better than I was a month ago. When I try to compare how I was feeling then versus now, the only difference is that I’m not in the state of shock that I was then. I think it was easier to bear then because I was in such a fog that it didn’t really feel like it was actually happening.

I was thinking this morning that I wished I had something positive to post. I’ve written this before, but I am so tired of being so sad all the time. I know this blog is such a downer, which frustrates me. The reality is that this blog is for me (and also to honor and remember Jillian), so I need to write what I need to write, but I still wish I had something happy going on. I could write about all the things I’m thankful for, but somehow even those things are negative. For example, I’m thankful that we got the time with Jillian that we did, but I can’t say that without also saying I wish she hadn’t died. I think maybe the grief is still too raw to find a happy topic.

There are things that make me smile, and I’m still trying to focus on those, even though they usually end up making me cry. My favorite thing to think about is the time the day before Jillian died when I’d ask her how much I loved her, and she’d stretch her arms out as wide as possible. I know that she didn’t know what I was asking, and I know that I was asking because she kept stretching her arms out, but it’s still one of the happiest memories I have. I also know that she really did know how much I love her.

7 thoughts on “One month

  1. *huge hugs* It hasn't been that long at all. Be kind to yourself and the smiles and happiness will come when you least expect it.

  2. I am still praying for you and your husband! I gain encouragment from your blog because I see that you are doing what you can to put your best foot forward and make your daughter proud…which I'm sure she is! I can't believe its been a month, what a bitersweet month for you.

  3. She definitely knew how much you love her and will always love her. You don't have to post happy things and you don't have to measure your progress in terms of if you're better now than you were a month ago. You just need to get through each day and take care of yourself. You will get better, but it's going to continue to feel like a rollercoaster where the least expected things bring you down and you find happiness at times you didn't think possible. (((HUGS))) Love you.

  4. Your blog isnt a downer. It is your honest day to day. You love your daughter and you miss her. That's okay. It's not a "downer" to read how you are doing. Hugs…

  5. Honey, this blog is not a downer. It is real, honest and hard to write/read. And so it should be. Your grief is still so raw and fresh, and I'm sure although you have good days the bad still outweigh the good at this point. I agree about taking it day by day and that is about all one can expect right now.

    And yes, she knows how you much you love her.

    I'm thinking and praying for you all every day.

    my love,

  6. Just remember there are stages to grief, and the worst one is the REPEAT stage…..I am in an angry/jealous/why stage again…..thought I was done with it, but it will take you by surprise. It does get less as time goes on, or at least we get better at ignoring it.

    Sometimes too, you learn and grow and love more in tears. They don't call it the valley of sorrow because it has high points.

    The real is better, and it helps others who haven't been there to better understand.

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