September

Things are still going well for us. I can’t believe that my little peanut is going to be eight months old next week. These have been the fastest eight months of my life. He brings so much joy into my life that I can’t describe it. His smile lights up the room, his laugh is the most wonderful sound I’ve ever heard, and I miss him when he’s sleeping. Sometimes when I’m watching him on the monitor, just a simple move takes my breath away. I can’t get over how lucky I feel to have him.

I’ve had some rough days, emotionally. We recently heard of a little boy who passed away from SIDS. He was a baby that statistically, should have been too old, and hearing about it kind of knocked me back. When I first heard the news, I told Ian he was sleeping on his back until he’s at least 10 (not that it would eliminate the risk, but it certainly reduces it), and Ian responded that night by spending the entire night on his belly. I don’t think Dave and I slept at all. He’s slept on his belly every night since then. We’re getting a little more comfortable with it as time has gone on, but we still kind of freak out. We’ve spent too much time staring at the monitor to make sure his chest is moving, we’ve tried moving the camera around for the best view, and I’ve blown into the microphone multiple times just to get him to flinch.

The other night, I was getting into bed and saw Ian’s stuffed lamb in our bed. I thought of how I slept with Jillian’s blanket for a while after she died, and I lost my mind. I thought that if anything happened to Ian, I’d sleep with that lamb, and my imagination got away from me. I kept picturing the worst, and what I imagined was close to what I felt when we were told about Jillian’s hemorrhage: the world spinning completely out of control, feeling like I was outside of my body watching what was happening, and not knowing how I was going to take another breath. I kept telling myself that Ian was fine, but this other baby’s death was a reminder of the lack of control we have over the most important things.

I know there will continue to be things that happen that scare me, and somehow, I’ll keep from being crippled by my fears. I feel like I should be stronger than this, and that I’m letting Jillian, Dave, and Ian down by being so afraid. That said, I know Dave gets scared, too. Ugh, I don’t even know what point I’m trying to make. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my brain.

One thought on “September

  1. i’m still scared, too! and William is 4 months old. i love him so much, but still get scared so much sometimes. here’s hoping it wears off of both of us very soon.

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