It all comes back sometimes

One of my friends had a baby very early this morning (all went well, and he’s healthy and I’m dying to meet the little dude). She had a c-section, and this afternoon I was thinking about my own c-sections. Mostly my first. I was thinking about how fast everything happened, especially compared to Ian’s. I was thinking about how the process for my spinal took forever with Ian, but I don’t even remember it being administered with Jillian. I only remember being poked with a yellow toothpick near my ribs, and telling the anesthesiologist that I couldn’t feel it.

I was sitting here on the couch with Dave and Ian, and I just kind of spaced out. I was going over it in my head, thinking about how at the time, I thought I was having a nightmare. When I replay it all in my head, it still seems like a nightmare. Almost two years later, I still can’t believe it all happened. I remember thinking that I couldn’t have my baby that night. She wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. Yet there we were, getting her out as fast as possible.

I kind off snapped out of it when Dave asked me what was wrong. I started crying, and I had to distract myself to stop replaying it all. Even writing about it now, that damn yellow toothpick is stuck in my mind’s eye.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the doctor hadn’t made the decision to get her out immediately. Part of me is certain that she wouldn’t have lived at all. I had lost so much fluid, and she was probably compressing her cord. But what if we’d been able to keep her in for even a few days? Would that have made a difference? I think about how she was treated for her PDA with ibuprofen, and I wonder if that somehow contributed to her brain bleed. I have no clue if there is any correlation at all; it’s just me still searching for an answer. Something to blame. But what if we had left the PDA alone? Would she be here now? On the other hand, we were facing such an uphill battle, and I know there’s so much more that could have gone wrong. I hate thinking about the what ifs because they just make me sad, and we are so blessed that we got the time with her and we did, and of course that we have Ian.

I had a dream the other night that we had both kids here at home with us. Ian was just as he is now, and Jillian was still teeny tiny, but she was here and she was alive. I was thinking in my dream that every day that she was still here was a blessing. And every day that we did have her was a blessing, and I’ll treasure it forever. I wish I could focus on that, but my mind sometimes has other ideas.

3 thoughts on “It all comes back sometimes

  1. Isn’t it strange how the pain can just hit? There are so many times that I look in the back of the van and expect to see one more person there. And it’s been eight years since my little guy passed–So crazy.

    This is my first visit to your blog. I’m hosting a blogfest for mothers who have lost infants or children. I would love it if you could join us and share your story. Thanks for your time.

    Here’s that link:

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