I met some friends today. I drove out of town a different way today, and as I was sitting at a traffic light near my old office, I started thinking about how I’m always afraid I’ll run into someone I know when I walk past there. I was wondering why, because I love my old coworkers, even though I’ve been terrible about staying in touch (I have cards for several of them sitting in our living room. I’ve had them forever, but something is stopping me from sending them).
As I waited for the light to change, I realized it’s not because I don’t want to see anyone. It’s because work was my old life. The last time I worked, I was pregnant with Jillian. My heart was unbroken. Things seemed like they couldn’t be better. And then we were blindsided.
I started crying, and I kept crying almost the entire drive – over an hour. It dawned on me about halfway there that today was the 18th, and I remembered that my anatomy scan with Jillian was on the 19th. That caused even more tears. Two years ago from tomorrow, I fell in love the with most wonderful little girl. Before that, she was “the baby.” On the 19th, she was my daughter.
When Ian and I got to our destination, I took him out of his car seat, held him, and cried some more. He didn’t have any clue what was going on (he was more interested in the giant balloons at a nearby car dealer), but just holding him made a world of difference.
I felt okay for the rest of the day, but I’ve been crying on and off since we got home. I can’t figure out what’s causing me to be so emotional today. I kind of wonder if it’s because her birthday is quickly approaching, but I’m not sure, just because I haven’t really focused on it all that much (except when I notice things like the orange juice I bought expires on December 5, and some yogurt expires on December 9 – I mean, come on, universe).
I hope tomorrow is a better day. I just decided as I was typing that I’m going to finish the sweater I started when I was pregnant with her. It was for her to wear home from the hospital. I haven’t done anything with it, other than put it in a plastic bag and put it out of sight, but I need to finish it. I don’t know why, but I hope it will make me feel good. I just miss her so much. I miss everything we never got to do, and I miss all the dreams I had for her.