It feels like a trend

I’ve been having a string of bad days. It’s not every day, and it’s not all day, but when it hits, it’s hard. I think maybe the cooling weather and approaching holidays are getting to me.

I went for a massage this afternoon, which was mostly great. When the massage therapist asked what was going on, I mentioned that lifting my 9-month old out of his crib is destroying my back. Once the massage started, he asked if Ian is my first. I said no without any explaining, and he asked if it’s easier this time around. Heh. If you really want to get into it, it’s easier in some ways but harder in others, but I spared him that uncomfortable conversation. I said that our first baby, our daughter, passed away, so in a way, it’s easier. He expressed his condolences, and that was that. I was fine. I even smiled after I answered, because I got to tell someone about my little girl.

A little bit later, I was thinking about how I like massages to hurt. I feel like they’re not all that productive otherwise. I thought about my last relaxation massage, and how it was nice and relaxing, but not my style. It was at a spa in Maine. Dave and I went away for our first anniversary. I was pregnant with Jilly.

My mood changed. I started thinking about how we tried having sex (sorry, parents and siblings), but it was uncomfortable. Something felt wrong. I was worried for a minute, but then I brushed it off as a normal pregnancy thing. I asked some internet friends about it a few days later, and one answer that sticks out in my mind is that one woman experienced it, but not at 21 weeks or however far along I was.

In hindsight: I should have called. Why didn’t I call? I know that there’s a very could chance that I would have been told that it’s normal for things to feel different during pregnancy. But there’s also a chance that I could have been told to come in just to be checked, and they could have discovered that my cervix was a worthless piece of crap and fixed things. I wouldn’t have this blog, this hole in my heart, or these horrible thoughts that I’m going to lose Ian, too.

And then hit me. If I had called, I might not have Ian.

I started thinking that maybe things are the way they should be, and I wasn’t supposed to call. The short time we had with Jillian was all that we were allotted, and things are the way they’re supposed to be. Then the feeling that I’d just chosen one child over another ripped my heart in half.

This whole thing has played out in my head a thousand times since Ian was born. Every time, I realize I can’t win. There’s no good outcome in this dilemma. Ideally, I’d have both kids, and I would be whole, but that’s not how it happened. I know I’m not choosing one kid over another, but while my thoughts are spiraling out of control, it feels like I am.

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do about it. I think it’s just something I have to get used to. If it weren’t for Ian, I think I’d want to sleep until the spring. It’s amazes me that almost two years later, I still get so overwhelmed that I can’t stand it.

7 thoughts on “It feels like a trend

  1. You know I think I would be amazed if you didn’t feel the way you do after 2 years…or after 20 years. You have been through something that no mother (or father) should ever have to go through. Right now you are getting through it one day at a time and that is okay.

  2. I understand what you are going through. My mom lost a little girl due to cervix issues at 22 weeks before I was born. She still to this day, 32 years later, remembers her birthday and every once in awhile talks about her. I know it is hard for her because like you, if that baby had lived, she wouldn’t have had another baby so soon: me. I know there was a part in her life where she was angry and felt like, why couldn’t she have had both of us. But, over the years, she came to better terms with it, as I am sure you will too.
    Just know that you are not alone in this. There are so many people out there that admire your strength and that care about you. Keep being stronh, you can do it. Oh, and give that little guy of yours an extra big hug tonight. 🙂

  3. I have these same thoughts. We lost bumblebee before meeting him/her but I still remember the joy, the pain, the sorrow and I think what would you be like but know that if I knew, I wouldn’t know Matthew.

    I don’t know if you will ever reconcile these thoughts or completely agree that things are how they should be but you aren’t choosing one child over another. That choise was made for you and you were meant to have both children the way you did for one reason or another.

    You will always love both, you will always mourn the one you didn’t get much time with, and will always wonder “what if”. Don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s natural because you have so much love inside you…for both your children.

    Hugs.

  4. I’ve gone through similar emotions with Lilly/Jude when I realize that if Jude had lived, Lilly wouldn’t have been born.

    I’ve decided to believe that we’re given what we need when we need it. Lilly and Ian came to us to help us heal, but I believe that if their older sisters would have survived, they would have just come to us at another time.

    Glad to see Ian is doing well and happy birthday, Baby Jilly.

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