Six weeks

It’s hard to believe it’s been six weeks since Jillian was born. I can’t help but think about the fact that Jillian would be that old today if she had lived. It’s hard not to picture a baby that age, even though she would still be tiny and still in the NICU. I was thinking the other day about how nervous we were to be leaving her in the hospital when I was discharged. I’d give anything to have that situation instead of this. I’ve been sick for the past two days and I keep thinking that if she were alive, I wouldn’t be able to visit and it would be next to impossible to stay away. I imagine that someday I’ll be able to live without every thought going to what could or should be, but not yet.

Yesterday, for the first time since Jillian was born, I didn’t cry once all day. I had some feelings earlier on that if I started feeling better, it would mean that I was forgetting, but that’s definitely not the case. She was on my mind all day, and I was still very sad, but I didn’t feel like I was being sucked into a black hole, which has been the norm since she died. It’s a relief to know I can feel better without forgetting. In a way, I feel like knowing this will allow me to feel even better as time goes on. Of course, I’m still a mess and have a very long way to go, but at least the pain is easing.

7 thoughts on “Six weeks

  1. Megan
    We visited the nicu today and while we were standing there I thought about Jillian and how loved she was. I just wanted to let you know that I never met her (or you for that matter) I think about her all the time and wish that you were not going through this terrible time. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
    Sam

  2. I can definitely relate to that feeling that if I'm feeling better or actually laughing at something then it means I'm forgetting. But that's so not the case. Hugs

  3. I can relate. Having a day where there are no tears in no way means you are moving on. I sometimes realize I have a few days where I havent had a good cry and where I've actually felt really happy. I think our children smile when they realize how positive they have influenced us.

    Sending hugs…

  4. No matter what Jillian knows how much you love her. Though the tears may stop the love never will.

  5. A day without tears by no means, means that you are moving on. The pain does get easier to take and will sneak up on you when you least expect it. Whatever stage you are in, Jillian knows you are always thinking of her. *hugs*

  6. Said to me, about the pain of losing someone close: "it gets easier, but it will never go away." I think that's probably true.

    Still thinking of you guys every day. xoxo

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