It’s hard to believe it’s been six weeks since Jillian was born. I can’t help but think about the fact that Jillian would be that old today if she had lived. It’s hard not to picture a baby that age, even though she would still be tiny and still in the NICU. I was thinking the other day about how nervous we were to be leaving her in the hospital when I was discharged. I’d give anything to have that situation instead of this. I’ve been sick for the past two days and I keep thinking that if she were alive, I wouldn’t be able to visit and it would be next to impossible to stay away. I imagine that someday I’ll be able to live without every thought going to what could or should be, but not yet.
Yesterday, for the first time since Jillian was born, I didn’t cry once all day. I had some feelings earlier on that if I started feeling better, it would mean that I was forgetting, but that’s definitely not the case. She was on my mind all day, and I was still very sad, but I didn’t feel like I was being sucked into a black hole, which has been the norm since she died. It’s a relief to know I can feel better without forgetting. In a way, I feel like knowing this will allow me to feel even better as time goes on. Of course, I’m still a mess and have a very long way to go, but at least the pain is easing.