Five Years

My sweet, sweet Jillian,

I’ve written and deleted and written and deleted. I feel like I don’t have the words to describe the conflicting feelings I have about today. I’ve started out the window crying, while also laughing at Ian forcing Hannah to participate in his imaginary Coronation Day (we’ve watched Frozen approximately 3000 times).

I want this to be a day to celebrate your life. I don’t want to focus on the bitterness I often feel because you’re not here. I hate feeling bitter when I have so much to be thankful for. I guess I just don’t know what or how to feel right now. I will never stop loving you with all of my heart. I always wish that you could somehow still be here, but mostly, you were a precious gift that somehow led to Ian and Hannah, which makes me more grateful for you and makes me feel like I shouldn’t long for things to be different.

My fear as I write that is that it sounds like I’m okay with you being gone. I’m not. There will always be an ache for you, and I’ll always wonder what you’d be like, what our life would be like, but I have to accept things the way they are in order to live my actual life.

Over the next few days, I’ll be replaying your entire life in my head. I will miss you and love you more than ever. My love for you will never wane. You are always in my heart, monkey. Always, always, always.


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