Family pictures

Last night at our support group, someone mentioned a family picture they have with the babies that they lost. I was thinking to myself that I wish we had a family picture that we could put up, but we don’t. We have lots of family pictures, thanks to NILMDTS, but the pain in our faces is so clear that I can barely stand to look at them. I’ve seen other families’ pictures where the parents have managed to look happy, and I don’t know how they did it. Most of the pictures of all three of us were taken right after her breathing tube was removed. There was no way for us to look anything but devastated because we knew it was the beginning of the end.

I realized this morning that my feelings about my c-section scar have changed over the past several weeks. It used to be a reminder of my pregnancy that ended too soon and a baby whose life ended too soon. It was just a crooked, ugly knife wound. I don’t see it that way now. I don’t know what changed, but now it feels like a reminder of the best thing that’s ever happened to me, which is Jillian. Her death is obviously the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I know how lucky we were to have her, even though her life was too short.

6 thoughts on “Family pictures

  1. I'm so glad you have family pictures even if the pain is evident on your faces. Maybe in time you will come to view those pictures differently, just as you now view your scar differently. Hugs

  2. I am sure the people in those photos see pain in their faces just as you see pain in yours. It is nice you have the photos all the same. HUGS

  3. I totally hear you about the family picture! but for us it's totally the opposite. Kurt asked our NILMDTS lady to take a family picture where we're smiling because the only ones she'd taken so far were of us looking down at her… and it just looks so forced. It's a good picture, but I think you can tell it looks fake, or at least I can. We had ours done before they removed her tube though, so I guess I wasn't really feeling like it was the beginning of the end quite yet.

    I posted about the scar thing too. I read a blog written by another woman whose daughter passed away and she said "I am so proud to have a scar to remember where you once were." It made me change the way I thought about it, and now it makes me happy to see it in the mirror instead of pissed off.

  4. I think about my stretch marks that way. I can pick out our children that way and it makes me happy to remember.

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