I think it’s inevitable to hear some people say the wrong things when facing a tragedy. As much as I try to remind myself that people mean well, there are some things that I hope I never hear again. The big ones?
“Everything happens for a reason” and “everything always turns out for the best.”
I heard both of these things today, both from the same person. I didn’t say anything after it was said. At all. I was repeating in my head “she means well” a thousand times over. I’m not sure if my silence made it clear that I didn’t like it, but I didn’t want to say anything because I knew she’d feel terribly about it.
I haven’t said anything here about the wrong things people say, mainly because I don’t want to make anyone who reads it wonder if he or she has said the wrong thing. Unfortunately, I can’t keep this in anymore. The good news is that I don’t think there’s anyone who reads this who has said the things that really get to me.
I don’t know what it is about these phrases that makes people say them, but they are like knives in my heart when I hear them. Not everything happens for a reason. Unless the person’s reason is either that my life sucks, or that they mean it literally, that Jillian died because she was born way too early and her brain hemorrhaged because the veins in her brain were too tiny and fragile and we decided to remove her life support because she would have zero quality of life, there’s not a reason for it. I’m pretty sure that’s not what people mean when they say it. I know they’re trying to comfort me, but it is the least comforting thing that anyone could say. Well, except for the ever popular “she’s in a better place.” Nope, sorry. The best place for my baby is here with me. Nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
That goes along with “everything always turns out for the best.” Unless my baby is going to manage to come back to life, this situation will not get better. We may learn to live our lives despite this tragedy, but there is not a silver lining. There is no best. This situation had the worst possible outcome. Sure, we’ve learned a lot from it, and we were truly lucky to have her in our lives, but I’d rather learn nothing and get Jillian back.