“Shattered” is the word that comes to mind when I think of how to describe how I feel. I understand how it feels now to have my world completely torn apart. In the grand scheme of things, I guess most things are fine. We have a roof over our heads, we have good jobs, we have lots of support and love from friends and family, and we have each other. It’s not enough, though. Even with all of those good things, I’m still not okay.

Two months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to guess how terrible losing Jillian would feel. I obviously would have known it would be awful, but the agony is something I don’t think is possible to imagine without actually experiencing it. She was my heart, and she’s gone. A huge part of me died with her, and I have spent a lot of time wondering how I’m going to get through this. For a while, I thought I was doing so much better, and I’ve had some good moments, but the bad times are much more frequent and so much more extreme.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares over the past week or so. In most of them, I’m going through the same scenario as Jillian’s birth, except in the dreams, the baby isn’t Jillian. Every time, we’re losing another baby. This is obviously my biggest fear when it comes to trying again. I don’t think I could survive losing another child. I’m trying not to worry about it because if I do get pregnant again, I’ll be monitored very closely, but I think the worry is impossible to avoid. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but for now, I wish I could turn off the nightmares.

7 thoughts on “Shattered

  1. So sorry to hear that you are having many nightmares. I can't even imagine how hard enough it must be to make it through each day let alone having to wake up in the morning in fear. You are constantly in my thoughts.
    xoxo Sachiko

  2. Oh, Megan, thinking of you. I think the nightmares are normal, but that doesn't make them okay. Thinking of you and Jillian.

  3. Nightmares are so awful because it's like you're watching yourself go through it and are completely disconnected from your body. At least that's what my nightmares feel like. I suppose your mind is trying to work through this fear in a "safe" way, but that's no consolation. I'm so sorry. Hugs

  4. I understand the nightmares…..all the things that go through our minds when we start TTC…*hugs* Thinking of you.

  5. oh hon… I know those nightmares well. we lived them too and it was agony. the love of our children is all that got us through. it still hurts… so much.

    you arent alone. hugs…

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