“Shattered” is the word that comes to mind when I think of how to describe how I feel. I understand how it feels now to have my world completely torn apart. In the grand scheme of things, I guess most things are fine. We have a roof over our heads, we have good jobs, we have lots of support and love from friends and family, and we have each other. It’s not enough, though. Even with all of those good things, I’m still not okay.
Two months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to guess how terrible losing Jillian would feel. I obviously would have known it would be awful, but the agony is something I don’t think is possible to imagine without actually experiencing it. She was my heart, and she’s gone. A huge part of me died with her, and I have spent a lot of time wondering how I’m going to get through this. For a while, I thought I was doing so much better, and I’ve had some good moments, but the bad times are much more frequent and so much more extreme.
I’ve been having a lot of nightmares over the past week or so. In most of them, I’m going through the same scenario as Jillian’s birth, except in the dreams, the baby isn’t Jillian. Every time, we’re losing another baby. This is obviously my biggest fear when it comes to trying again. I don’t think I could survive losing another child. I’m trying not to worry about it because if I do get pregnant again, I’ll be monitored very closely, but I think the worry is impossible to avoid. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, but for now, I wish I could turn off the nightmares.