Just a few updates

1. Jillian’s due date is one month from today. I’m having a very difficult time with this. My heart is aching about the fact that I’m supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant today. I have tried very hard not to think each Wednesday about how far along I’m supposed to be, but as her due date gets closer, it’s impossible not to think about it. I keep trying to remind myself that just because she was due March 24 doesn’t mean that she would have been born that day, but it doesn’t help. The instant I saw the line on that pregnancy test, I knew that March 24 would never be just a regular day for me again (I chart, so I knew before I even took the test what my due date would be if it happened to be positive). I thought it would be a day that bring happy thoughts about my first child. Instead, it’s a reminder of the heartache and pain I feel because my first child was born too far before her due date and is now gone forever.

2. My high risk consultation is on Friday. I’m so anxious about it that I could cry (and have already cried). I’m looking forward to it because it’s a step forward, but I’m terrified that we won’t hear what we want to hear (which just means we will look for another doctor, but the thought of having to find someone else totally overwhelms me).

3. I’m about 95% sure we’re naming the dog Baxter. Things are going pretty well, but I have a whole new understanding of separation anxiety (his, not mine).

4. If you’ve given me a blog award, I’m sorry I’m such a slacker and haven’t posted about it. My goal this week is to make a post with all of them. That’s my one goal for this week. That’s how high I’ve been setting my bar lately. Go ahead, roll your eyes at me. I just did.

7 thoughts on “Just a few updates

  1. Hugs sweetie. I did not go through what you did, but I know how it feels to have that EDD looming before you.

    ::hugs::

  2. Sending you the warmest thoughts, Megan. You're absolutely normal – "I should be X weeks today" was the first thing I thought every Saturday morning after losing Maddie. I think it's natural. I'm sending you hugs.

    Baxter is such a great name. 🙂 I hope that your high-risk appointment goes GREAT – I'm thinking of you.

  3. I love you. You open your heart for us and show such raw emotion and then end your blog post with a joke. I just love you.

  4. Hey there–This is the mantra that got me through the holidays, my due date, and quite frankly, just about every day in between:

    Today is what it is, not what it was supposed to be.

    Your EDD will be hard, but it will be no harder than the day you lost Jillian. But unfortunately, the only way through it, is through it.

    Many many ((HUGS))

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