Goodbye, sweet girl.


December 10th, 2009

Jillian passed away last evening. I don’t know what time it was. She suffered a massive brain hemorrhage, and the doctors told us that her quality of life would not be good, and she would never be able to live without assistance (if she even survived). We knew without question that it was time to let her go.

Jillian’s isolette was moved to a private room, and the nurses laid Jillian on my chest. The feeling of having her there was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Suddenly, everything that I’ve been through in my life, good and bad, made sense. It was all to get me to the point to hold my little girl. As terrified as I was, having her against me was the most perfect feeling in the world. I could feel her tiny heart beating against mine, and I finally felt complete.

We read her some books that we had bought while I was pregnant, and she was covered with blankets, including one that we received from some very dear friends just moments before we went down to begin saying goodbye. Dave and I changed places and he held her for a while. She was so perfect on Dave’s chest, but it’s an image that I’m not sure will ever stop breaking my heart. From the moment we found out she was a girl, I couldn’t imagine Dave and her together without crying tears of happiness. We had so much to look forward to, and I knew that she immediately had him wrapped around her finger. Nothing made me happier than the thought of him with his little girl. I hate the world for stealing that from us.

Dave’s mom and stepdad and my mom came for a few minutes to say goodbye. A photographer came to take pictures of Jillian with us, and then her breathing tube was removed.

As impossible as it was to say goodbye to our sweet little Jillian, I wouldn’t trade those last moments for anything in the world. We were able to see her sweet little face, hold her tiny hand, and tell her how much we love her. We told her that we were the luckiest people ever because we got to be her parents, and we promised her that we would do whatever we could to be happy again, just for her. I’ve never felt as peaceful as I did as she passed, and even though this was a nightmare so terrible I’d never even imagined it, the serenity I felt was unlike anything I could ever describe.

I don’t know where we go from here. I ache from head to toe, and there’s a hole in my heart that I don’t think will ever be repaired. It hurts to breathe, I can’t eat, and the thought of lasting until the next minute seems impossible. I wish I could say that I know we’ll eventually be okay, but I would just be saying empty words. We’ll have to try, though, we because that’s what we promised Jillian.

We love you, baby girl. Thank you for coming into our lives.


66 Responses to “Goodbye, sweet girl.”

  1. Rebecca on December 10, 2009 7:40 am

    I am so sorry. I am just heartbroken for you and Dave and your families and little Jillian. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Julie on December 10, 2009 7:44 am

    I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

  3. NicNacKlein on December 10, 2009 7:48 am

    There are never strong enough words.
    I am so very, very sorry. We all love you and Dave and baby Jillian.

  4. Susan on December 10, 2009 7:50 am

    Sorry doesn't embody what I wish to say to you two right now. Jillian is a very special girl who touched hundreds, possibly thousands of lives. I am here for you any time you need me. I wish I could jump on a plane and be next to you. I love you.

  5. the blums on December 10, 2009 7:53 am

    I am so sorry, Megan and Dave. Jillian is and will always be loved and celebrated. I'm praying for you both to find grace and peace. I love you and will be right here when you need me.

  6. C. Marks on December 10, 2009 7:54 am

    I am so sorry. I pray that you can somehow know peace and strength during this time of such pain.

  7. Mrs. Newlywed on December 10, 2009 7:56 am

    I am so sorry. This post just brought me to a complete breakdown.

    We will always love and celebrate her. She is an amazing little girl, and she has touched all of our hearts.

    I am always here for you.

  8. jCam on December 10, 2009 7:57 am

    Words can't express the heartbreak I am feeling for you. You continue to be in my thoughts constantly. Jillian is so lucky to have had you for her parents.

  9. JvW on December 10, 2009 7:59 am

    I am so very very sorry for your loss. I am crying right now after reading your post. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  10. Shaun McGahey on December 10, 2009 8:09 am

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. There is nothing in this world that could be said to ease the loss of sweet Jillian.

  11. MSC from GP on December 10, 2009 8:14 am

    There aren't words, other than I'm so, so unbelievably sorry. Although our journeys have been very different, I know what it's like to lose a daughter and so my heart breaks for you, your family, and the long road ahead of you.

    ((HUGS))

  12. Alyssa on December 10, 2009 8:20 am

    I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

  13. Ruby on December 10, 2009 8:21 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. You were on my mind all night, my heart breaking, as I thought about you going through what had to be a terrible, heartwrenching time. She will always be remembered and missed.

  14. Shelby on December 10, 2009 8:29 am

    There are no words. May the thought of your sweet angel in heaven bring you comfort.

  15. Jay on December 10, 2009 8:31 am

    I wish I could wish this away for you. I wish I could hug it away. I wish I could make it better. I am so incredibly sorry. My words seem so inadequate. Know that we love you and Dave and Jillian so very much.

  16. Mary Ellen and Steve on December 10, 2009 8:39 am

    Megan there are no words. Truly. This is not something that any parent should ever have to go through. I pray that you and Dave find strength and comfort in the love of each other and your friends and family and in your memories of your precious baby. One day at a time Love. That's how you will make it though. All my love to you and Dave. ME

  17. Gypsy on December 10, 2009 8:43 am

    I'm so very sorry, Megan. My heart is breaking for you, but it's also uplifted by the precious love you both have for your darling baby girl. I will be here, thinking of you and pulling for you and wishing for you. With much love.

  18. SupersammyG on December 10, 2009 8:57 am

    There are no words. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of your family in the days to come. I ma so sorry.

  19. Trish on December 10, 2009 9:01 am

    I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Our prayers are with you.

  20. Stephanie on December 10, 2009 9:14 am

    What a beautiful love you shared. Thank you for letting us in to love you and Jillian as well.

  21. Linda on December 10, 2009 9:17 am

    Jillian was very lucky to feel the love that you and Dave surrounded her with. And to be touched by her the way the two of you have been is something to treasure. My heart is broken for you, but I'll be hoping that you and Dave heal in your own time. All my love to both of you.

  22. Lina 1123 and Our Happy Family on December 10, 2009 9:19 am

    I am so sorry for your loss and please know we share your pain. Jillian will always love you and you have a special angel watching over you and your husband now.

  23. Marielle0430 on December 10, 2009 9:20 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.

  24. susieqtpie on December 10, 2009 9:31 am

    Megan, darling, your words are beautiful and I can feel the aching and pain in your voice. Jillian was so very loved and she will never be forgotten. There are no words to take away the pain and sorrow. My heart is heavy for you and I am thinking about you all constantly and sending our love and prayers across the miles. Thank you for letting us share in her beautiful life.

  25. jenni on December 10, 2009 9:43 am

    I'm crying as I read this. My heart breaks for you. I'm so so sorry.

  26. Jen on December 10, 2009 9:44 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is the worst pain and it leaves a hole in your heart, that can never be filled. You and Dave will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  27. Shannon on December 10, 2009 9:45 am

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Although there are no words to describe the pain of losing a child, your description of your last moments with her are so beautiful and touching. Your daughter has touched more lives in her own very short life than many grown adults would ever imagine…

  28. Trinity on December 10, 2009 9:45 am

    I am deeply sorry for your loss. Glad you were able to have those precious, perfect moments with your little girl. Thinking of you and Dave…

  29. niobe on December 10, 2009 9:53 am

    My heart is breaking for you. Thinking of you and your sweet little Jillian.

  30. Jessica on December 10, 2009 9:55 am

    here from LFCA…I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. It sounds like you had some beautiful moments before you said good bye and those will carry you though. *hugs*

  31. AKD on December 10, 2009 10:15 am

    Here from LFCA. Your post made my eyes well up with tears. I am just so very sorry for your loss. There are just no words.

  32. MissyMae on December 10, 2009 10:18 am

    The strength that you and Dave showed as you held Jillian in your arms and comforted her in her last moments shows me the kind of amazing parents Jillian had. I am so sorry that you have to go through this and wish I could say just the thing to make it better. Darrell and I love you and are thinking of you. Jillian will always be loved and will never be forgotten. – Melissa

  33. Tena on December 10, 2009 10:20 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Those words feel like they aren't enough, but they're all I can offer. I have been praying for your family. Jillian was lucky to have such loving parents, and she will never be forgotten, and never forget the love she knew.

  34. Aisha on December 10, 2009 10:31 am

    I keep typing and backspacing. What can I possibly say to help ease this pain. You are in my thoughts. I am sorry. I am so so so sorry.

  35. Rachel on December 10, 2009 10:37 am

    So, so sorry for your loss.

  36. Jeannie on December 10, 2009 10:40 am

    My heart just breaks for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm so so sorry your loss.

  37. Sunny on December 10, 2009 10:42 am

    Here from LFCA. I am so, so sorry to read of your loss. Praying for peace for you, Dave, and sweet Jillian.

  38. Sara on December 10, 2009 10:46 am

    There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss, Megan. You are all in my thoughts.

  39. Meg 'n' Eric on December 10, 2009 10:53 am

    I am so heartbroken for you and your families. Celebrate the little things, those moments holding your sweet baby girl can never be taken from you. May God bless your sweet Jillian, she is now your angel.

  40. Julia on December 10, 2009 10:55 am

    I am so sorry to hear that your beautiful Jillian passed away. This is a terrible place you find yourself in. It probably doesn't help very much right now, but please know that you are not alone on this road. There are (too) many of us here with you.

    I am mere miles away from were you are, and though I am a stranger, I would be honored to sit and talk, to listen, to cry with you.

    And I know this is not something you want to think about at all right now, but if you are having problems stopping your milk, here is a guide specifically for bereaved mothers. I am so sorry.

  41. Renee M on December 10, 2009 10:55 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss Megan and Dave. My heart breaks for you both. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you some peace. Again- I am just so sorry. Renee McNevin (Bean's sister)

  42. Krista on December 10, 2009 10:56 am

    There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. Know that we are praying for you and thank you for sharing Jillian with us.

  43. Jorden and Kristin on December 10, 2009 11:04 am

    my heart aches for you. I am crying just thinking about your pain. You are all in our prayers. Jillian was lucky to have you as her mommy and daddy. May god bless you…

  44. Rachel on December 10, 2009 11:47 am

    I am so sorry. I know how much it hurts. Our daughter, Sarah, was born on January 11, 2009 at 24w3d. She was with us for one week before we held her in our arms while we said goodbye.

    I am so sorry you have to know this pain.

  45. Michele on December 10, 2009 11:48 am

    There simply arent words… Saying a prayer for your beautiful family. You are in our thoughts.

  46. Tash on December 10, 2009 11:51 am

    Oh, this just took my breath away. Jillian is indeed a very lucky girl to have such lovely parents.

    Please know you're not alone on this journey. Thinking of you all today.

  47. jlynn on December 10, 2009 12:12 pm

    I know there are no words to make your pain go away, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

  48. pottymouthmommy on December 10, 2009 12:34 pm

    Just came over from LFCA. I know how little words can help, but I also know that knowing others feel your pain and care, and will be there, praying for you, and thinking of you can give comfort. If you ever need a shoulder- I understand how much you need one now.

    Greatest sympathy for your loss.

  49. amynorcross on December 10, 2009 12:55 pm

    I know there are no words to help ease the pain you are feeling, but please know that there are two more people thinking about you. You will forever be in our thoughts and prayers as well as in our hearts. We are very very sorry for your loss.

  50. Jaime on December 10, 2009 1:03 pm

    *Hugs*

    I have no words.

    Bada

  51. Holly on December 10, 2009 1:08 pm

    I'm so sorry. :'(

  52. k@lakly on December 10, 2009 1:26 pm

    Here from LFCA. I am so sorry that your beautiful daughter was taken away from you. My heart aches for you and your husband as you begin this journey. Please know you are not alone and that there are so many of here who will support you every step of the way.
    Peace.

  53. heathermohr on December 10, 2009 1:35 pm

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. My heart breaks for you because I know this pain all too well. We lost our own sweet girl 8/28/09 about an hour and a half after she was born at 34 weeks.
    I am praying for you as I type that God will give you the strength you will need in the coming days.

  54. Katie on December 10, 2009 3:32 pm

    Oh, I am in tears for you. What an amazing, strong, beautiful, amazing MOTHER you are. Your love for Jillian, for your baby girl, is just an inspiration. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your incredible loss.

  55. karenbonanno on December 10, 2009 4:06 pm

    Megan and Dave, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for the both of you. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.

  56. Schwandy on December 10, 2009 4:12 pm

    I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how much your heart must hurt right now. Be gentle with yourself.
    Schwandy

  57. Carol on December 10, 2009 4:49 pm

    Megan and Dave, I can't even begin to imagine your heartache and grief. I hoped and prayed that things would have turned out much differently for you all. She truly was a lucky little girl to have you for parents and I know she'll always be in your hearts.

  58. tireegal68 on December 10, 2009 5:06 pm

    Dear Megan, Dave and Jillian- you are a beautiful, courageous family. Your description of your last moments with her brought tears to me. You nurtured her and held her and lived a lifetime in those moments. I am so sorry for your grief, loss and pain at having to say goodbye to her so soon. I am remembering sweet Jillian as you described her and sending a prayer your way. (hugs)

  59. AnnaMarie on December 10, 2009 5:51 pm

    I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss of precious Jillian (that is such a pretty name). Wishing you peace as you start your journey without her.

    Here through LFCA

  60. AJ on December 10, 2009 6:26 pm

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Jillian is blessed to know you as her parents. Take care of yourself, and take time to grieve.

  61. Nicole on December 10, 2009 6:34 pm

    Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts, prayers, and lots of love are being sent to both you and Dave.

  62. pinkflipflops on December 10, 2009 7:40 pm

    I am so very very very sorry for your loss.

  63. ichifish on December 11, 2009 6:44 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. You've been so strong, and now you have to be even stronger. our hearts go out to you.

  64. Triana on December 11, 2009 7:30 pm

    I really don't know what to say…I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you must be going through. Just know that your beautiful baby girl loved you and she knows that you loved her from the bottom of your heart. My family member told me this the other day: When you lose parents, you're an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you're a widow, but there is no word in the English language to describe the pain of the parent's loss of a child.

  65. Kristin on February 28, 2010 5:53 pm

    I just found your blog from BOTB. My heart truly aches for you. I just wanted you to know that I will pray a special prayer for you tonight. Take care.

  66. Jenna on March 18, 2010 12:45 am

    You are so strong. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words.

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