Goodbye, sweet girl.

Jillian passed away last evening. I don’t know what time it was. She suffered a massive brain hemorrhage, and the doctors told us that her quality of life would not be good, and she would never be able to live without assistance (if she even survived). We knew without question that it was time to let her go.

Jillian’s isolette was moved to a private room, and the nurses laid Jillian on my chest. The feeling of having her there was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Suddenly, everything that I’ve been through in my life, good and bad, made sense. It was all to get me to the point to hold my little girl. As terrified as I was, having her against me was the most perfect feeling in the world. I could feel her tiny heart beating against mine, and I finally felt complete.

We read her some books that we had bought while I was pregnant, and she was covered with blankets, including one that we received from some very dear friends just moments before we went down to begin saying goodbye. Dave and I changed places and he held her for a while. She was so perfect on Dave’s chest, but it’s an image that I’m not sure will ever stop breaking my heart. From the moment we found out she was a girl, I couldn’t imagine Dave and her together without crying tears of happiness. We had so much to look forward to, and I knew that she immediately had him wrapped around her finger. Nothing made me happier than the thought of him with his little girl. I hate the world for stealing that from us.

Dave’s mom and stepdad and my mom came for a few minutes to say goodbye. A photographer came to take pictures of Jillian with us, and then her breathing tube was removed.

As impossible as it was to say goodbye to our sweet little Jillian, I wouldn’t trade those last moments for anything in the world. We were able to see her sweet little face, hold her tiny hand, and tell her how much we love her. We told her that we were the luckiest people ever because we got to be her parents, and we promised her that we would do whatever we could to be happy again, just for her. I’ve never felt as peaceful as I did as she passed, and even though this was a nightmare so terrible I’d never even imagined it, the serenity I felt was unlike anything I could ever describe.

I don’t know where we go from here. I ache from head to toe, and there’s a hole in my heart that I don’t think will ever be repaired. It hurts to breathe, I can’t eat, and the thought of lasting until the next minute seems impossible. I wish I could say that I know we’ll eventually be okay, but I would just be saying empty words. We’ll have to try, though, we because that’s what we promised Jillian.

We love you, baby girl. Thank you for coming into our lives.

66 thoughts on “Goodbye, sweet girl.

  1. Here from LFCA. I am so sorry that your beautiful daughter was taken away from you. My heart aches for you and your husband as you begin this journey. Please know you are not alone and that there are so many of here who will support you every step of the way.

  2. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. My heart breaks for you because I know this pain all too well. We lost our own sweet girl 8/28/09 about an hour and a half after she was born at 34 weeks.
    I am praying for you as I type that God will give you the strength you will need in the coming days.

  3. Oh, I am in tears for you. What an amazing, strong, beautiful, amazing MOTHER you are. Your love for Jillian, for your baby girl, is just an inspiration. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your incredible loss.

  4. Megan and Dave, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for the both of you. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult time.

  5. I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how much your heart must hurt right now. Be gentle with yourself.

  6. Megan and Dave, I can't even begin to imagine your heartache and grief. I hoped and prayed that things would have turned out much differently for you all. She truly was a lucky little girl to have you for parents and I know she'll always be in your hearts.

  7. Dear Megan, Dave and Jillian- you are a beautiful, courageous family. Your description of your last moments with her brought tears to me. You nurtured her and held her and lived a lifetime in those moments. I am so sorry for your grief, loss and pain at having to say goodbye to her so soon. I am remembering sweet Jillian as you described her and sending a prayer your way. (hugs)

  8. I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss of precious Jillian (that is such a pretty name). Wishing you peace as you start your journey without her.

    Here through LFCA

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. Jillian is blessed to know you as her parents. Take care of yourself, and take time to grieve.

  10. Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts, prayers, and lots of love are being sent to both you and Dave.

  11. I am so sorry for your loss. You've been so strong, and now you have to be even stronger. our hearts go out to you.

  12. I really don't know what to say…I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you must be going through. Just know that your beautiful baby girl loved you and she knows that you loved her from the bottom of your heart. My family member told me this the other day: When you lose parents, you're an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you're a widow, but there is no word in the English language to describe the pain of the parent's loss of a child.

  13. I just found your blog from BOTB. My heart truly aches for you. I just wanted you to know that I will pray a special prayer for you tonight. Take care.

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