Just a few updates

1. Jillian’s due date is one month from today. I’m having a very difficult time with this. My heart is aching about the fact that I’m supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant today. I have tried very hard not to think each Wednesday about how far along I’m supposed to be, but as her due date gets closer, it’s impossible not to think about it. I keep trying to remind myself that just because she was due March 24 doesn’t mean that she would have been born that day, but it doesn’t help. The instant I saw the line on that pregnancy test, I knew that March 24 would never be just a regular day for me again (I chart, so I knew before I even took the test what my due date would be if it happened to be positive). I thought it would be a day that bring happy thoughts about my first child. Instead, it’s a reminder of the heartache and pain I feel because my first child was born too far before her due date and is now gone forever.

2. My high risk consultation is on Friday. I’m so anxious about it that I could cry (and have already cried). I’m looking forward to it because it’s a step forward, but I’m terrified that we won’t hear what we want to hear (which just means we will look for another doctor, but the thought of having to find someone else totally overwhelms me).

3. I’m about 95% sure we’re naming the dog Baxter. Things are going pretty well, but I have a whole new understanding of separation anxiety (his, not mine).

4. If you’ve given me a blog award, I’m sorry I’m such a slacker and haven’t posted about it. My goal this week is to make a post with all of them. That’s my one goal for this week. That’s how high I’ve been setting my bar lately. Go ahead, roll your eyes at me. I just did.

Something happy

I’ve always been a dog person, despite the current evidence (two cats). We have been talking for years about getting one, but it hasn’t been possible. We couldn’t have one in our old apartment, and I was pregnant when we moved here, and we didn’t want to get a dog with the baby on the way.

After Jillian died, the dog conversation started up again, but we were hesitant to get one. I was afraid I’d resent the dog and think of it as a consolation prize. I also knew that getting a big dog would make it a little crowded in here, and I didn’t have any interest in a small dog. I figured that if we were going to get a small dog, we might as well get another cat instead, because then we wouldn’t have to walk it.

Then we met this guy:

I fell in love immediately. He became attached to me so quickly that there was no way we could leave the Humane Society without him. I think Dave and I both knew walking in that we were going to leave with a dog, because we’ve never gone into an animal shelter and walked out empty handed, but I didn’t expect to hold him and immediately think of him as my dog. He doesn’t have a name right now. He was called Benny at the shelter, but we want to change it.

My fears about resenting a dog or thinking of one as a consolation prize are gone. In my mind, there’s no connection between this dog and Jillian. If I really think about it, I know that if Jillian hadn’t died, this dog would not be here, curled up next to me, but that’s not what goes through my mind when I look at him. I just see a little dog who was desperate for love and has already made himself right at home.