High-Risk Consultation

My appointment was this morning. I think I was more nervous about this appointment than I was about my first ultrasound with Jillian, which I was having because of bleeding and cramping (meaning I was terrified). I was shaking while we were sitting in the waiting room. I was weighed when they took us back, where I learned that I gained 16 pounds between the time I woke up this morning and my appointment. Then Dave pointed out the cart that was on top of the scale. Phew. At least it made me forget about being so nervous.

I think part of my nervousness came from knowing that we were going to have to talk about what happened with Jillian. It actually was a lot easier than I expected. The doctor was nice and I feel comfortable with the plan that we have put in place, which is this:

I am having a 3-D ultrasound next week to double check the anatomy of my uterus. If there’s anything that needs to be fixed (that can be fixed), we’ll do that. If everything is normal, we can start trying in June, assuming we’re emotionally ready. She pointed out (and we already knew) that my next pregnancy will not be a starry-eyed, blissful journey. We’re both going to be scared out of our minds. Anyway, once I do get pregnant and it is established that it is a viable pregnancy, I will have a cerclage placed at 10-12 weeks. I will have either weekly or bi-weekly ultrasounds, and if there are any signs of my cervix changing, we will discuss progesterone shots and/or bed rest.

I feel much better about things. We don’t have to go answer shopping because we heard exactly what we wanted. I’m extremely nervous about next week’s ultrasound, just because I’m so down on my luck that I’m convinced they’ll see that my uterus is totally screwed up and I should not ever try to get pregnant again. I thought that it was enough that the doctor who performed my c-section said it looked normal, but the peri says we’ll get a better look while I’m not pregnant.

In other news, I fell down half a flight of stairs yesterday. I have a bruise the size of my right butt cheek on my right butt cheek. It certainly hurt, but my first thought was Oh, my god, the baby, which caused more tears than the actual fall. All three of my animals came running to me after it happened, which made me cry a little more, mainly because none of them like each other, but apparently they all like me enough to get within a couple feet of each other to make sure I was okay. Cats and dogs are the best.

Just a few updates

1. Jillian’s due date is one month from today. I’m having a very difficult time with this. My heart is aching about the fact that I’m supposed to be 36 weeks pregnant today. I have tried very hard not to think each Wednesday about how far along I’m supposed to be, but as her due date gets closer, it’s impossible not to think about it. I keep trying to remind myself that just because she was due March 24 doesn’t mean that she would have been born that day, but it doesn’t help. The instant I saw the line on that pregnancy test, I knew that March 24 would never be just a regular day for me again (I chart, so I knew before I even took the test what my due date would be if it happened to be positive). I thought it would be a day that bring happy thoughts about my first child. Instead, it’s a reminder of the heartache and pain I feel because my first child was born too far before her due date and is now gone forever.

2. My high risk consultation is on Friday. I’m so anxious about it that I could cry (and have already cried). I’m looking forward to it because it’s a step forward, but I’m terrified that we won’t hear what we want to hear (which just means we will look for another doctor, but the thought of having to find someone else totally overwhelms me).

3. I’m about 95% sure we’re naming the dog Baxter. Things are going pretty well, but I have a whole new understanding of separation anxiety (his, not mine).

4. If you’ve given me a blog award, I’m sorry I’m such a slacker and haven’t posted about it. My goal this week is to make a post with all of them. That’s my one goal for this week. That’s how high I’ve been setting my bar lately. Go ahead, roll your eyes at me. I just did.